Hard Sell: The Beautiful and the Nebbish on Long Island

Most average folk would qualify as poor relations in this tony corner of Long Island, but Hardy Buchanan would probably live on the wrong side of the tracks in any town. Life is hard when you have a mentally ill mother, a terminally ill dog, and an aggressively unattractive personality. However, when the Hardy boy meets an older bombshell in trouble, he leverages her beauty for quick cash in a PG sort of way, until life really gets complicated in Sean Nalaboff’s Hard Sell (trailer here), which opens this Friday in Los Angeles.

It is really Buchanan who takes care of his mother Lorna rather than vice versa, yet Ms. Buchanan often seems to have more affection for their shaggy dog Walter. Unfortunately, Walter hasn’t simply lost a step to old age. He needs surgery quickly, but Buchanan cannot afford it. Frankly, it is unclear how the Buchanans keep food on the table, given her flakiness. Presumably, he is a scholarship student at the elitist prep school he attends, which would partially explain his social pariah status.

Providentially, Buchanan meets Bo while volunteering at a local homeless shelter for the sake of his college application resume. She is way, way out of his league, but she isn’t just a fellow volunteer, she is also a short term resident. She claims to be a stripper, as any twentysomething beauty would, so Buchanan starts charging his well-heeled classmates for brief look-sees. Soon, he even starts brokering chaste escort gigs. Of course, none of this is sustainable, especially as both Lorna and Walter Buchanan’s conditions worsen. There is also a concerned uncle out there looking for a young woman who matches Bo’s description.

As far as we know, Bo was not sexually abused by her father or uncle, which earns Hard Sell points for originality. That third act revelation is getting awfully tired, especially since it is largely an act of projection on Hollywood’s part, if you believe Corey Feldman. On the other hand, Hard Sell will seem ridiculously tame for anyone raised on Risky Business and National Lampoon movies. Seriously, don’t these rich Hamptons kids have the internet?

Perhaps more problematically, Hard Sell pretends to treat mental health issues with all due gravity, unless you happen to be really hot like Bo, in which case its fine to be a little cuckoo. As a result, the film often feels like a disingenuous after school special.

As Lorna Buchanan, Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth unleashes her inner trailer trash Bette Davis, which is certainly an impressive spectacle. Katrina Bowden is obviously comfortable playing the cool attractive chick (and there are probably worse roles to be type-cast in). Old Walter probably deserves consideration for those year-end animal performer awards, gimmicky as they may be. That leaves consideration of Skyler Gisondo’s shticky, whiny performance as Hardy Buchanan, which we would indeed like to leave by the side of the road.

Despite his status as a put-upon doormat, the extent to which Nalaboff leaves issues in Hardy Buchanan’s miserable life unresolved will annoy most viewers. Still, even with its faults, Hard Sell is vastly superior to the cloying Waiting for Forever, which is a weirdly fitting comparison film. Not recommended, Hard Sell opens this Friday (5/20) in Los Angeles, at the Arena Cinema.

Fitzgerald Family Christmas: Long Island Cheer

Where are the Griswolds when you need them?  It is the season for sentimentality and Edward Burns intends to indulge.  He returns to Long Island for a big Irish family get together in The Fitzgerald Family Christmas (trailer here), which opens tomorrow in New York.

Their mother’s birthday is two days before Christmas, but aside from Gerry, her favorite, none of the grown Fitzgerald children want to come home to celebrate.  Grown might be too strong a word.  Let’s say they are over twenty-one.  Gerry is the professional martyr who still lives at home.  He has four sisters whose names are impossible to keep straight.  It is easier to just number them in accordance with how annoying they are, number four being the most insufferable.  He also has two brothers, one of whom would have been forgotten were it not for a handy set of press notes.

There is still a Fitzgerald father out there, but he is dead to Rosie Fitzgerald after he walked out on her when the brood was still quite young.  Unfortunately, Jim Fitzgerald will be dead to everyone soon.  His final wish is to spend his last Christmas with the family.  Gerry tries pleading his case, but his mother and assorted siblings remain steadfastly opposed. 

Various other family dramas crop up, including Sister #1’s pregnancy with her abusive husband.  Brother Quinn and Sister #4 are pursuing significantly younger and older romantic partners, respectively, while Sister #3 sent her husband packing in favor of their landscaper.  Sister #2 actually has a presentable husband and young baby, but she is still absolutely miserable to be around.  Meanwhile, completely forgettable Brother Cyril just got out of rehab.  Right, good luck with that.

Christmas with the Fitzgeralds will make viewers convert to Buddhism.  The only appealing scenes involve Brother Gerry’s awkward courtship of Nora Daugherty, the nurse of a longtime family friend.  It is nice to see realistically flawed, everyday looking (slightly worn even) people develop a down-to-earth relationship.  Reuniting from The Brothers McMullen, Burns and Connie Britton display real romantic chemistry together.  He helms these sequences with a sensitive touch the rest of the middling family chaos lacks.

Granted, it should also be noted Ed Lauter might just give a career performance as the remorseful absentee father.  In fact, there are several very nice supporting turns peppered throughout this overstuffed holiday feast of subplots, each of which is neatly resolved, lest they spoil the turkey.  While not an outright affront to cinema, The Fitzgerald Family Christmas is unlikely to become anyone’s holiday tradition.  More liable to test viewers’ patience, it opens tomorrow (12/7) in New York at the Village East.

Long Island Angst: A Little Help

Laura Pehlke never really grew up, but now she is a widowed mother. Her husband died of a freak heart attack, but her son pretends to be a September 11th survivor. It all has a very TV movie vibe, but it has been produced as an indie feature. At least, writer-director Michael J. Weithorn does not let anyone wriggle off the hook too easily in his Long Island-set A Little Help (trailer here), which opens this Friday in New York.

Pehlke and her husband Bob were going through a rough patch that only got worse when he died. Since an emergency room doctor (played by celebrated Wittenberg University alumnus James Rebhorn) seemingly misinterpreted his symptoms, Pehlke’s domineering older sister, Kathy Helms, insists she file a malpractice suit. She even has the right ambulance chaser lined up. However, Pehlke has a nagging feeling her late husband lied to the attending (about whether he was engaged in strenuous activity) to conceal an affair.

Meanwhile, her relations with son Dennis have deteriorated to next to nothing. Initially unhappy in his new school, he suddenly enjoys the attention of his teachers and peers when he claims his father was murdered at the World Trade Center. Though she has a bad feeling about it, Pehlke plays along, even assuming the role of 9-11 widow. Frankly, she is more preoccupied fighting with her caustic sister and disapproving parents.

There is definitely something to the basic premise of Help. The notion of sympathy envy and attention-seeking behavior, in the context of September 11th or any tragedy, holds a great deal of dramatic potential. The rather cynical depiction of truth-be-damned malpractice litigation is also surprisingly on-target and Kim “Sons of Anarchy” Coates is appropriately serpentine as thirty-three-percenter Mel Kaminsky. However, the draggy pacing and whiny characters constantly undercut the film.

This is definitely a small box affair from Weithorn, best known as a writer for Family Ties and the executive-producer of The King of Queens. Frankly, Rebhorn probably has the most big screen credits, but he appears rather fleetingly. As Pehlke, Jenna “The Office” Fischer shows laudable commitment and range, but the constant tantrums and panic attacks she must realize quickly get repetitive. Unfortunately, Brooke “Grey’s Anatomy” Smith’s sister Kathy is shrewish beyond credibility, while Rob “Felicity” Benedict is simply cringe-inducing as the torch-carrying brother-in-law. However, Dion “Runaround Sue” DiMucci is still totally cool, appearing as himself on a radio call-in show.

Help is not terrible, but it has a whole lot of the angst and faux empowerment that give indie films a bad name. To its credit, it also has an edge, but it could have used considerably more. Something of a lost opportunity, Help opens this Friday (7/22) in New York at the AMC Empire and Village 7.