Serena's building is under quarantine, but it isn’t Covid. The CDC analog even wrapped
it in plastic and cordoned it off, like in [REC] 2, but not because of
zombies. Instead, killer spiders are hunting the residents, but this isn’t Kiah
Roache-Turner’s Sting, because … let me get back to you on that one.
Regardless, the spiders are biting and swarming in Angel Gomez Hernandez’s Crawlers,
which is now playing in theaters.
Paradiso
Palms was already falling apart even before the spiders wreak their havoc. Rossmore,
a landlord presumably created by Mamdani’s Ministry of Propaganda won’t pay for
proper upkeep. Instead, he tells Serena to YouTube cheap fixes. Unfortunately, an
entomology professor accidentally brought a specimen from the field into the
building—and quickly dies soon thereafter.
Initially,
his discolored corpse makes the “IDC” assume the building might be experiencing
a viral outbreak, so they quarantine hard. However, Serena learns the truth,
but she and her residents are still stuck inside, cut off from the outside world.
Frankly, her rude, ungrateful neighbors probably won’t be much help, except maybe
the dominatrix, because she has “gear.”
So,
clearly, Crawlers is nothing like Sting. In Roache-Taylor’s
movie, the juvenile protagonist’s stepfather is a frustrated comic book artist,
who reluctantly accepted a super position in a building that will be terrorized
by the alien spider she secretly adopted. It all culminates with a scene
involving the complex’s trash compactor. In stark contrast, Crawlers
follows Serena, a frustrated musician, who reluctantly accepted a super
position in a building that will be terrorized by a swarm of exotic spiders.
Eventually, the complex’s trash chute will play a pivotal role in the third act.
Honestly, the two films could not be any more radically dissimilar.
However,
in a rare area of overlap, both films feature entertainingly employ gory, goey
practical effects. In the case of Crawlers, they are augmented with some
CGI, particularly for the swarming behavior, which looks decent.
Casting 6’ 1” Brigitte Nielsen as the “She-Devil” made a lot of sense, but the
notorious 1985 fantasy bomb committed many grievous cinematic sins. Without
question, the worst was the absence of her iconic chainmail bikini. To its
credit, this film does not make that error. The wardrobe is legit, but there is
also a little bit of the warrior spirit in M.J. Bassett’s Red Sonja,
which releases this Friday on VOD.
Essentially,
Roy Thomas “created” Red Sonja to be Conan the Barbarian’s female colleague in
hacking and slashing. Technically, he took the name from another Robert E.
Howard story, but that Red Sonja was a non-Hyborian warrior, of Ukrainian
descent, seeking vengeance against the Ottoman Empire. (Obviously, Putin never
read “The Shadow of the Vulture,” either.)
Like
Thomas’s Sonja, Bassett’s Sonja became a wanderer after her family was brutally
murdered, but she is more of nature-loving seeker, on a quest to reunite with
last remaining Hyrkanian people, instead of the cynical hedonistic anti-heroine
fans know and love.
Thanks
to her upbringing, this Sonja immediately defends the forest creatures from
Emperor Draygan’s pillagers, which gets her condemned to the arena as a
gladiator. So far, very Conan-esque, right? Wisely, the arena armorer only gives
her wooden swords and for protection, only supplies the intentionally
impractical chainmail. Of course, Sonja refuses to play ball. Instead of earning
her freedom by slaying her fellow Damnati, she foments revolution against the
empire instead.
There
is a lot of conspicuous CGI in this Red Sonja, but that is part of its
eccentric charm. Frankly, it is forgivable, because it helps depict the kind of
grandly over-the-top fantasy world that fans appreciate. It also distinguishes Bassett’s
film from the maligned 1985 movie. There is no shortage of slicing and dicing,
as fans would hope. Plus, there is some impressive animal handling, like that
of Sonja’s loyal mount, who is pretty smart for a horse.
Bassett
previously helmed the better-than-you-might-expect Howard-adaptation Solomon Kane, so he clearly shows an affinity for the pulp writer. The action and fantastical
elements work quite well. However, Tasha Huo’s screenplay lacks the sexy
attitude that made Red Sonja a geek-favorite in the first place. While Gail
Simone’s recent comics and novel embrace Sonja as a Hyborian Age feminist, her
recently asserted bisexuality further enhances the franchise’s sexual overtones,
but that is all entirely absent from the film.
Still,
they have the chainmail bikini (whereas the cover of Simone’s recent novel
inexplicably depicts a piece of snake jewelry). Matilda Lutz’s portrayal of
Sonja would ordinarily be more than sufficiently compelling for a popcorn
fantasy, but she lacks the fierceness fans would expect from the She-Devil. Oddly,
she is too vulnerable and too human.
