Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel The Land that Time Forgot featured British and
German sailors during WWI. The latest adaptation from The Asylum features
modern-day Australians and Russians. That is more than close enough for scrapy,
intentionally unpretentious B-movie studio. Calling their movies B-level might
be generous. They regularly churn out cheesy rip-offs of big budget releases
and dubious adaptations of public domain books, while their greatest hits were
the Sharknado movies. For some reason, they wanted their second take on
the aforementioned Burroughs novel to be their first Australian production. The
film will also be Australian Anthony Frith’s first full-length directing gig. Essentially,
they hired him because he was crazy enough to ask. However, he has no idea what
he is getting into, as he shows us, warts and all, in his own documentary, Mockbuster,
which releases in theaters and on digital this Friday.
Basically,
The Asylum trolls for viewers who either mistake their knock-offs (like The
Transmorphers) for the real thing or figure they look so stupid they must
be funny. They contain formulaic elements, most importantly including one
recognizable name in the cast. Why they wanted to make The Land Time Forgot again
is never really clear, but they did and they received Frith’s resume at an
opportune time.
Frith made
some short films as a student, but all of his work since then were commercial
training films. He is more surprised than anyone when they offer him a film, but
it soon becomes clear his producer has all the real power and his creative
input is strictly discouraged. Frankly, Frith can’t get too creative, even if
he wanted to, because he won’t get the script until a few days before shooting
starts.
Along
the way, he gets some sage advice from Eric Roberts, a veteran of many Asylum
productions. He mostly tells Frith to have fun with it, which seems to be his
approach to the interview and his own Asylum work. As a bonus, Frith appears as
an extra with Michael Pare, who is like the King of the Asylum lot, if they
were big enough to have a lot.
Of
course, the shoot is chaotic and The Asylum is far more controlling than you
might expect. Nevertheless, Frith must complete it in six days. It’s almost
like watching the Little Rascals trying to put on a show.
If a cruise line built a perfect facsimile Titanic, it would have to be a
Chinese company. Replicas are a big thing there and the necessary hubris
requires a company like Evergrande. Regardless of ownership, a brand-new Titanic
sets sail for a special maiden voyage to the waters where its namesake sunk. If
that sounds like bad karma to you, the angry spirits that are raised from the
dead totally agree in Nick Lyon’s Titanic 666, which premieres this
Friday on Tubi.
Titanic
666 was
produced by the Asylum, so you should know the sort of exploitative cashing-in
to expect. Still, just seeing them completely trash the ending of the 1997
Oscar winner in its nutty prologue is worth something. The action then flashes forward
to modern times, as the Titanic III is about to set sail. The layout and décor completely
match its historical namesake, but the structure and engineering are all
completely modern. Supposedly, this one won’t sink, but haven’t we heard that
before?
To
be fair, the engineers never anticipated a nameless stowaway sneaking on-board,
to invoke the ghost of her great-grandfather, Captain Edward Smith, through a
satanic ritual (honestly, nobody would blame the Smith family if they were to
file suit against the film). Suddenly, he and other ghosts of the original
Titanic’s victims are wreaking havoc on the ship’s systems and preying on its
most obnoxious passengers. Married social media influencers Mia and Jackson
Stone easily take that cake, but Prof. Hal Cochran, a purveyor of dodgy Titanic
artifacts is not far behind them.
The
only reason to see Titanic 666 is to verify whether it really is what it
purports to be. It is indeed, so there you go. Frankly, it is a relief when the
Titanic ghosts kill the Stones. Cochran’s involvement with the company’s hotshot
security specialist doesn’t really make any sense (why does he need cover from
him, when he already has permission to hawk his wares), but whatever.
