Crawlers: More Spiders

Serena's building is under quarantine, but it isn’t Covid. The CDC analog even wrapped it in plastic and cordoned it off, like in [REC] 2, but not because of zombies. Instead, killer spiders are hunting the residents, but this isn’t Kiah Roache-Turner’s Sting, because … let me get back to you on that one. Regardless, the spiders are biting and swarming in Angel Gomez Hernandez’s Crawlers, which is now playing in theaters.

Paradiso Palms was already falling apart even before the spiders wreak their havoc. Rossmore, a landlord presumably created by Mamdani’s Ministry of Propaganda won’t pay for proper upkeep. Instead, he tells Serena to YouTube cheap fixes. Unfortunately, an entomology professor accidentally brought a specimen from the field into the building—and quickly dies soon thereafter.

Initially, his discolored corpse makes the “IDC” assume the building might be experiencing a viral outbreak, so they quarantine hard. However, Serena learns the truth, but she and her residents are still stuck inside, cut off from the outside world. Frankly, her rude, ungrateful neighbors probably won’t be much help, except maybe the dominatrix, because she has “gear.”

So, clearly, Crawlers is nothing like Sting. In Roache-Taylor’s movie, the juvenile protagonist’s stepfather is a frustrated comic book artist, who reluctantly accepted a super position in a building that will be terrorized by the alien spider she secretly adopted. It all culminates with a scene involving the complex’s trash compactor. In stark contrast, Crawlers follows Serena, a frustrated musician, who reluctantly accepted a super position in a building that will be terrorized by a swarm of exotic spiders. Eventually, the complex’s trash chute will play a pivotal role in the third act. Honestly, the two films could not be any more radically dissimilar.

However, in a rare area of overlap, both films feature entertainingly employ gory, goey practical effects. In the case of Crawlers, they are augmented with some CGI, particularly for the swarming behavior, which looks decent.

Wuthering Heights: House of the Damned

Emily Bronte’s great novel is widely considered a gothic romance, but most movie adaptations have emphasized the latter over the former. Yet, the actual text is much more gothic than romantic. This film swings the pendulum about as far as it goes in the gothic direction. In the recent tradition of horror movies inspired by Pinocchio and other public domain characters, Heathcliff and Catherine get similar treatment in Rebecca J. Matthews’ Wuthering Heights: House of the Damned, which releases today on VOD.

Just like the “source novel,” House of the Damned starts with the new tenant at the Grange, Mr. Lockwood, paying a social call on his landlord at Wuthering Heights. However, instead of appreciating the friendly gesture, Heathcliff is rather put out by his presence. Nevertheless, a sudden storm forces Lockwood to spend the night in a guest room, where he finds and reads Catherine Earnshaw’s diary.

Of course, she and Heathcliff, the orphan who became her father’s ward, were deeply in love, but in an unhealthy way. Regardless, it was not meant to be. She married the older Edgar Linton instead and it ended in tears—especially in this film. Later, Lockwood’s housekeeper Nelly fills in more of the blanks. However, in this version, every natural death is actually quite unnatural. Something is rotten in Wuthering Heights—and whatever it is, it makes Lockwood gravely ill during his second, unwelcome visit.

Screenwriter Liana Failla quite cleverly follows the outline of Bronte’s novel, while incorporating gory demises for most of the characters. Unlike many of the recent killer Popeyes and Steamboat Willies, House of the Damned was not conceived as a quick and dirty exploitation knockoff. Failla and Matthews developed a real strategy for transforming Bronte’s novel into a horror film.

Unfortunately, they were working with a budget that was probably less than the average vintage Hammer horror film, not adjusting for inflation. Those financial constraints sometimes show on-screen. Yet, some fans will still appreciate the lurid retro gothic atmosphere.

Street Fighter, the New Reboot

Capcom is probably the champion amongst video game developers, when it comes to movies based on their games. Their adapted properties include Resident Evil, Monster Hunter, and the Street Fighter franchises. Obviously, we are talking quantity here, rather than quality. Arguably, the 1994 Street Fighter was the most divisive, in the true sense of the word, because fans either really love it or really hate it. As an established IP, Street Fighter was apparently due for a reboot, but once again, the results will be divisive when Kitao Sakurai’s Street Fighter opens this Friday in theaters.

Like the 1994 movie, Sakurai’s film draws most of its inspiration from the second game release, the fan-favorite Street Fighter II, but as adaptations go, the screenplay written by Sakurai and T.J. Fixman is about as loose as it gets. Ryu, a Japanese orphan, and Ken Masters, a privileged American foul-up are brothers-from-another-mother, who trained under their master Gouken. However, it was Ryu who was chosen to compete in the World Warrior tournament. He won, but it was an ugly, brutal victory, because Ryu accidentally tapped into the dark side of his inner force.

That attracted the attention of Akuma, a powerful demon, which in turn led to tragedy. Subsequently, Ryu dropped out of the martial arts world, to protect those around him from Akuma. In his absence, Masters gains fame as a flamboyant Ric Flair-like martial arts champion. Yet, he still suffers from an inferiority complex, so he eagerly agrees to participate in the next World Warrior tourney, organized by the dictator M. Bison (Raul Julia’s final role in the 1994 film).

Unfortunately, Bison launched the contest as a ruse to lure Ryu, so he can drain off his fighting Chi. Akuma also intends to fight the winner, who he assumes will surely be Ryu. Suspecting Akuma’s interest, the champ consequently feels a responsibility to defend his title, while Masters is less than thrilled to see his old friend crash the party.

Of course, they eventually work together, alongside Chun-Li, an undercover Interpol agent, who infiltrated Bison’s organization to avenge her murdered father. Frankly, Chun-Li’s role is the least realistic aspect of Street Fighter, which is saying a lot. In real-life, Interpol is not involved in field investigations. They are a bureaucratic clearing house for international arrest warrants, which has been increasingly abused by China and Russia to harass and even unjustly arrest dissidents. In reality, Interpol would more likely side with Bison.

Beyond that, the new Street Fighter is remarkably uneven. Honestly, the first half hour is terrific. The anime prologue delivers a jolt of animated martial arts energy that favorably compares to anime franchises like Baki-Dou. The early scenes embracing the aesthetic of the 1990s are also boldly distinctive and infectiously nostalgic. However, as the film progresses, it strangely embraces the campiness of the 1994 film, which is an unexpected choice, considering that is what fans most objected to.

Not surprisingly, the attempts at physical humor often land awkwardly. On the other hand, the martial arts sequences are impressively choreographed. Andrew Koji, who starred in the Bruce Lee-inspired Warrior makes a convincing Ryu. Unfortunately, Noah Centineo’s unrestrained shtick as Masters is a major shortcoming.

Hallowarrior, on Shudder

It's the post-apocalyptic end times, Charlie Brown! That means the Great Pumpkin will never come again. Halloween used to be just-plain-old “Pumpkin’s” favorite day of the year. Now, it is a particularly painful reminder of her dead family. Frankly, she is starting to crack, but Pumpkin is still healthier than the trick-or-treaters who visit in director-screenwriter Ben Sottak’s Hallowarrior, which premieres Friday on Shudder.

Sottak hints that the gasmask Pumpkin wore as part of her last Halloween costume might have saved her life. Regardless, all she has left of her family are the home movies that are dragging her deeper into depression. Honestly, it is disturbing to see a pre-teen her age considering suicide. Nevertheless, she decorates for Halloween again, as if performing a solemn ritual. However, her decorations have become especially gross, reflecting her deteriorating state of mind. And then she finds three people rummaging through her house.

Thalia, the leader, tries to project cool motherly vibes, but there is something off about her. Royce is clearly just a thug, while teenaged Wendy truly does not want to be there. Obviously, they are bad news, but they are the first people Pumpkin has talked to in years, so she tries to ignore her intuition. Never do that.

Essentially, Hallowarrior is like a cross between The Road and Halloween. Thalia is as bad as we suspect, if not worse, and more of her cannibal freaks are waiting outside. However, their minds have diminished from long-term drug use, while Pumpkin has homefield advantage, so fair fight.

Hallowarrior is so gritty and grubby, you will want to take a shower and a shot of penicillin after watching it. The sleazy, throwback grindhouse vibe is something viewers will either love or hate. Regardless, for most mere mortals, the icky predatory themes are hard to embrace. There are moments of fun, when Hallowarrior could pass for Home Alone’s evil cousin, but in general, the tone could hardly get any grimmer. Or dimmer. Many Dogme 95 are more brightly lit than Hallowarrior.

Don’t Move, Co-Starring Rob Riggle

By now, The Quiet Place franchise should have viewers pretty well trained to not make noises around giant monster predators. In this case, it is technically vibrations that attract the over-sized arachnid, but the same precautions apply. Thanks to the spider thingy, Pastor Rizzo’s church trip takes a disastrous turn, but grieving Megan Forrester has still been on worse outings in Maclain Nelson’s Don’t Move, based on the novel by James “Impractical Jokers” Murray & Darren Wearmoth, which releases today on digital VOD.

Forrester witnessed the deaths of her husband and young son in an amusement park accident that Nelson depicts in surprisingly horrific terms. A year later, she remains in mourning and deeply depressed. Honestly, who can blame her? Yet, Pastor Rizzo keeps reaching out. He is so persistent, she agrees to join the church camping trip to Mark Twain National Forest.

The good Pastor (refreshingly, he really is good throughout this film) hopes the change of scenery will do her good. He can also use the additional participant. Turnout was light. Besides Forrester, it is just the Pastor, the Hank Hill-ish driver, Paul DeLuca, the Wrights and their grandson, Rizzo’s daughter Emma, her boyfriend Ryan Stark, and her ex, Ricky Vargas, who joined the trip as a means of safely smuggling heroin across state lines.

Of course, the killer spider will be a much bigger problem than the drugs. However, the friction between Vargas and Stark makes everything worse. On the plus side, they have Forrester, who maintains a clear head, probably because she has already seen far worse.

To their credit, as co-screenwriters. Murray, Wearmouth, and Nelson create stronger than average characters. Pastor Rizzo is an unusually sympathetic clergyman, especially for this genre. Tom Cavanagh (the star of Ed, the bowling alley lawyer dramedy, and the bad guy on The Flash) invests the Pastor with geeky earnestness that is quite endearing. Former Marine Rob Riggle also lands a number of Tim Allen-style laughs as DeLuca, the proud Walmart employee. Rapper Russell Vitale, a.k.a. just plain “Russ,” also brings a lot of energy playing the flawed but maybe redeemable Vargas.

Clown Panic, on Hulu

It didn't start in 2016. In 2014, a mysterious self-styled performance artist calling himself “Wrinkles the Clown” started releasing creepy clips on YouTube. Inevitably, he inspired copycats, perhaps including one in Greenville, South Carolina. Regardless, the phenomenon spread rapidly from there. Ed Perkins chronicles the resulting fear in the documentary Clown Panic, which premieres today on Hulu.

When people started seeing men dressed in full clown make-up and costumes, lurking in the woods outside their homes, they understandably freaked out. However, the cops found no evidence, so they assumed it would quickly blow over. It didn’t. Soon the volume of clown calls roused them out of their apathy. Before long, the ominous clown sightings spread throughout South Carolina and into bordering states.

Not surprisingly, 2016 was a tough year for professional clowns. Their birthday party business dried up. To make matters worse, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus went into a 7-year dormancy, due to animal rights litigation in 2017, rendering hundreds of clowns unemployed.

Somehow, Perkins tries to tie it all to the 2016 election, blaming the irrational mass hysteria on political polarization and uncertainty. Who does he position as the voice of reason? Naturally, Cenk Uygur, the extremist demagogue, who basically blames the “Zionists” (and we know what he means by that) for all the world’s problems.

Even without Uygur’s record of divisive rhetoric, Clown Panic still has massive credibility problems. Basically, Perkins tries to have things two ways. The film pillories the Greenville Police Department for not taking the early clown reports seriously, because they came from traditionally minority neighborhoods. Yet, then the film dismisses the entire phenomenon as deliberate hoaxes and viral videos. It is one or the other, but both contentions can’t be valid.

In fact, Perkins plays it fast and loose with causality, trying to tie the tragic murder of a young boy wearing a clown mask to the clown panic emanating out of Greenville. Yet, the young man responsible had a long-standing clown phobia, predating the Greenville sightings. It is a heartbreaking case (which really brings down the film’s mood), but at best, it is very tenuously related to the phenomenon starting in 2016.

Kim Novak’s Vertigo, on DVD

Sadly, with the recent death of Eva Marie Saint, she and Tippi Hendren are the last living classic Hitchcock blondes. Frankly, Kim Novak probably remains the most iconic of them all, thanks to Hitchcock’s classic 1958 psychological thriller, even though she only has 34 IMDb acting credits. Nevertheless, her early semi-retirement was very likely a healthy life-choice. She largely sees it that way herself, as she explains at length to Alexandre O. Philippe in his documentary profile Kim Novak’s Vertigo, which releases this Tuesday on DVD.

Having appeared in previous Vertigo documentaries, Novak duly expresses almost entirely positive sentiments regarding her signature film throughout “Her Vertigo.” The only possible exception being her admission the dual role held awkward personal resonance for her. However, her warm affection for her co-star Jimmy Stewart (with whom she also starred opposite in Bell, Book, and Candle) will make any classic film buff smile.

She is less nostalgic regarding other aspects of the industry, particularly the early years of her career, when she was exclusively contracted to Columbia Pictures and under the thumb of studio boss Harry Cohn. Given the title, and Philippe’s previous films (including 78/52, a documentary devoted entirely to the shower scene in Psycho), most viewers will logically expect a deep dive into Vertigo. Yet, that doesn’t really happen. Instead, the film consists entirely of long sit-down interviews Philippe conducted with Novak, in which he lets the star discuss whatever she so desires.

Essentially, the film is an audio autobiography, touching on her Great Depression-hardened childhood and her struggles with her studio-crafted identity as a “sex symbol,” and her admiration for Greta Garbo, whose own retirement possibly served as an inspiration for Novak. After Vertigo, her breakout hit Picnic probably gets the most attention, followed by Jeanne Eagels, a fictionalized biography of the silent-era star, again perhaps for its ironically apt commentary on Hollywood exploitation.

Throughout the film, Philippe accompanies her reminiscences with brief clips from her film oeuvre, which best illustrate her themes. However, he weirdly overlooked Novak’s second Hitchcockian role in the remake of “The Man from the South,” produced for the 1985 reboot of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

Winter of the Crow, in The Epoch Times

WINTER OF THE CROW strikingly depicts Communist Warsaw as a labyrinth of grim concrete buildings, where an unusually suspenseful and thoughtful Cold War thriller unfolds. EPOCH TIMES review up here.

Paquito D’Rivera: From Carne y Frijol to Carnegie Hall, on PBS

He is arguably the greatest clarinet player since the two swing giants, Goodman and Shaw. He has the Downbeat clarinet poll first places to prove it. He also plays some mean sax. Yet, performing at Carnegie Hall has particularly special meaning for clarinetists, because of Benny Goodman’s history-making concert. Paquito D’Rivera has played there several times and he comes back again to pay tribute to the “King of Swing” at the conclusion of this documentary. Juan Mandelbaum celebrates the musician’s life, his music, and his passion for both in Paquito D’Rivera: From Carne y Frijol to Carnegie Hall, which premieres this Tuesday on PBS, as part of the current season of Voces.

D’Rivera first discovered Goodman when his father, a classical musician, brought home the Carnegie Hall Concert album (which the young boy misheard to be “Carne y Frijol”). Seeing his son take to the reed instruments, his father soon promoted him as a young phenom. Yet, all the best opportunities were outside the country, because they lived in post-Revolutionary Cuba. In fact, it was his mother who first warned the musician their new dictator would be worse than the old one.

However, D’Rivera managed to rise to international prominence while still living in Cuba, thanks to his role as one of the major musical voices in the Cuban fusion band Irakere, co-led by his longtime friend Chucho Valdes. Dizzy Gillespie’s recognition didn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, after D’Rivera defected, politics kept the Irakere bandmates apart, until Valdes also cuts ties to his homeland and joined D’Rivera’s criticism of the Communist regime. Now, they jam together regularly, as viewers can see and hear.

Indeed, Valdes is one of Mandelbaum’s very short, but exceptionally distinguished cast of commentators, which also includes classical cellist Yo-Yo Ma, Israeli jazz clarinetist Anat Cohen, and D’Rivera’s longtime sidemen (who are leaders in their own right) Diego Urcola (from Argentina) and Alon Yavnai. That is quite a lineup.

Renny Harlin’s The Beast

Sadly, we will never have a President John McCain, but at least we have call-sign “Paladin” in this new movie. Weirdly, we never get his full name, but this fictional POTUS was a Vietnam veteran. It is a good thing too, because he is going to need his combat mindset (his “beast” mode) to survive a coordinated global coup attempt in Renny Harlin’s The Beast, which opens today in theaters.

It isn’t just happening in the USA. According to reports, insurrectionists have already taken out the British Prime Minister and several other European heads of state. Some descriptions of the film refer to the coordinated revolutionaries as a “militia,” but that is a loaded term that doesn’t quite fit. Their ideology remains a mystery, but they look like an army of balaclava-clad fanatics.

Regardless, their short-term objective is clear: take out the president. Clearly, they had inside access to Secret Service protocols and procedures. However, Paladin was saved, at least for now, by the sacrifices of his protective detail. Taft is the last one left alive, but he needs medical attention soon.

Consequently, Paladin reverses roles with the Secret Service agent, dumping him in the backseat of the Presidential limo, while he drives. Technically, that violates a lot of operational rules, but the president does not care. Fortunately, his limousine is tricked out with cutting edge defensive weaponry. He also has combat infantry experience that comes flooding back to him. In fact, Taft’s wounds remind him of those suffered by his closest Army buddy. Paladin assures the Agent his friend survived, but viewers won’t be so sure, judging from the visions of a dying soldier that seem to haunt the President from the backseat.

In a way, The Beast is an attempt to turn Seven Days in May into Locke. It is largely set inside the Presidential limo, but Harlin skillfully milks tension from the confined setting. Of course, it is also quite a slick ride. Some of the car’s James Bond-worthy counter-measures look surprisingly cool on-screen. There are so many points at which The Beast could have fallen flat on its face, but Harlin somehow always keeps it charging forward. Consequently, this is probably his best film since Skiptrace.

Matchbox the Movie, on Apple TV+

Just imagine if this movie has 19 sequels, but would people still remember the band by then? They will remember the toys. There will always be a market for the matchbox-sized diecast cars, so there are plenty of adults who fondly remember collecting them, just like the characters of this film. Sorry, there are no animated vehicles. However, plenty of cars will drive fast and flip over in Sam Hargave’s Mattel-branded Matchbox the Movie, which premieres tomorrow on Apple TV+.

Sean Walker and his friends always used to meet in Aimee’s uncle’s garage to trade and race their Matchbox cars. However, Walker had to cut ties to the group, after he was recruiting by a super-secret black ops division of the CIA. Yet, rather fatefully, he hears of Uncle Smalley’s demise right after his overwatch handler orders him to lay low, following an unusually messy mission.

Walker can’t help paying his respects to Uncle Smalley, so he inevitably reconnects with the old gang. It is great until they are all drugged and renditioned by the CIA. Apparently, someone gave the Agency the mistaken notion Walker stole the warhead he just recovered from terrorists and they assume his old pals are his accomplices.

Of course, you can’t keep an operative like Walker chained up for long. Pretty quickly, he engineers the gang’s escape. Much to his frustration, they intend to tag-along and “help” as he works to re-acquire the warhead and clear their names. Fortunately, he knows some contacts who also want to avoid a catastrophic false flag terror attack, including Grigor, a peace-loving FSB agent.

That’s right. An FSB agent is a minor good guy in Matchbox, while all the bad guys are in-fighting CIA Officers. Again, what an insult to the memories of 141 CIA Officers who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Perhaps Hargrave and screenwriters David Coggeshall & Matt Westbrook have a seething hatred of the United States. Maybe they truly believe the FSB is a greater force for peace in the world than the CIA. However, that hardly seems likely for the average Matchbox afficionado. Seriously, what were Mattel, Apple, and Skydance thinking?

Previously, Hargrave helmed Extraction and its spectacular sequel Extraction 2. He balances the action and the humor reasonably dexterously. However, it is rather unsettling to see big, beefy Sean Walker fighting and killing his fellow black ops officers, even if they have “gone rogue.” Daniel Bernhardt (who co-starred in the Extraction sequel) still has the chops, so he makes a worthy foil for Walker. John Cena certainly knows how to fake fight and he forges some endearing chemistry with Jessica Biel, playing Aimee.

Angel and the Badman, Appropriately from Angel Studios

Arguably, the original 1947 film was the first “revisionist” Western, even though it starred John Wayne. James Edward Grant’s classic suggested violence was not always the way. However, the better path it offered was that of the Bible. It never got too preachy and neither does this new remake (the second). Regardless, you had better keep God or your guns close, preferably both, in Julio Quintana’s Angel and the Badman, from Angel Studios, which opens tomorrow in theaters.

Quirt Evans is a bad man, but he is far from the worst of the worst. He was almost a dead man, but Marshal McClintock saves him, hoping he will lead him to his former associates in the Laredo gang and their stolen Confederate gold (considering how many CSA gold shipments went missing, it is no wonder the South lost the war). Unfortunately, McClintock never bothers to treat Evans’ gunshot wound (courtesy of Laredo and his men), so he would have died anyway, had his horse not wandered to the Worth ranch.

The Worths are hardy, hard-working, God-fearing stock, but their menfolk tend to die young, so widowed Irene Worth really wants to marry off her grown daughter Penny to a nice, stable, and boring boy. Penny Worth is not so enthusiastic about the idea and her sassy Grandma Harriet is vocally opposed. She is a handful, that one. Then, Penny suddenly finds herself nursing the delirious Evan back to health, because that is the Christian thing to do.

Evans is grateful. He is also mindful his presence could bring trouble to the Worth family. However, he finds himself getting emotionally attached to the family, despite what he considers their hopeless naivete. In fact, he even “convinces” wealthy land-owner Frederick Carson to undam the river, so it flows through the down-stream irrigation channels. Carson even thanks Evans for it, once he meets the Worths. Nevertheless, the Laredo gang is still out there, looking for Evans and the gold.

Quintana’s Angel and the Badman might be the best Christian-themed film of the decade. The Worths’ faith plays a critical role in the film, in terms of both character development, character motivation, and key plot points. Yet, the film never feels preachy or stilted. Perhaps the faith content might not even register for some viewers looking for a good Western, which is quite a neat trick.

It is also nice to see Tommy Lee Jones return to peak form, as McClintock. Angel and the Badman won’t be remembered as his best film, but it showcases vintage Jones. Seriously, we know he can play a U.S. Marshal and McClintock is exactly the kind of sly old dog he was born to portray.

Carrie, on Prime Video

Carrie White and Godzilla are a lot alike. They are both monsters that people created through their wrath and sins. However, Godzilla has been a lot easier to franchise. The King of all monsters even worked as a Saturday morning cartoon. Carrie has been a lot harder. Remember the Broadway musical? Of course, it was only a matter of time before someone tried a streaming series, despite the failed 2002 TV-movie-backdoor pilot. Unfortunately, the angst is heavier than the horror in creator-showrunner Mike Flanagan’s eight-episode Carrie, which premieres today on Prime Video.

Sadly, Carre’s father immediately dies, leaving behind his secret family. That brings in cops and social workers, which means the home-schooled Carrietta White must now attend public high school. Oh, lucky her. Of course, queen bee mean girl Chris Hargensen starts bullying White immediately. At first, her bestie Sue Snell figures it is just par for the course, but she soon feels sympathy for the fragile White.

As fans would expect, when White experiences extreme stress, the walls start to shake and desks start to rattle. She is not yet fully aware of her own powers, but as times goes on, she secretly hones her telekinetic abilities.

Naturally, everyone streaming Carrie wants to see how well the new production stages the madness of prom. While Flanagan teases viewers with some in media res flashforwards in episode one, he makes them wait seven episodes, until the season finale. Rather bizarrely, his adaptation borrows from the 2002 TV movie, also using video-taped interviews with prom survivors as a framing device. However, he takes the interrogations in a very different direction. (Showing a theater marquee for a Brian De Palma retrospective is also a nice touch.)

Presumably, to pad out eight episodes, Flanagan adds a conspiratorial element. Yet, after he teases it at the end of the season opener, he hides it for the next four episodes. Instead, he focuses on White’s rough adjustment, which is largely defined by bullying. Consequently, the first five installments play out like a punishingly long After School Special. Frankly, except for the final episode, this Carrie is never scary—not even a little bit.

Ironically, this sabotages the big pay-off everybody knows must be coming. By devoting so much time to “Carrie goes to Riverdale,” Flanagan regularly depicts the good faith efforts from Snell, her boyfriend Tommy Ross, and her gym teacher Rita Desjardin, to ease White’s transition and discourage the mean girls’ bullying. Additionally, Flanagan and his co-writer inevitably humanize her tormentor, Hargensen, through her parents’ divorce and the embarrassment of her imploding wealth. In the various films, the prom is a logical crescendo, but in the series, it doesn’t really make sense that everything suddenly explodes, even if certain super-secret characters directly contribute to the combustion.

Dolph: Unbreakable, the Documentary

If Stallone is the “Italian Stallion” and Van Damme is “Muscles from Brussels,” you would think Dolph Lundgren would have a nickname like the “Swedish Lynx.” Nevertheless, he has always been one of action fan’s favorites stars, even though his films have varied widely in quality (as Lundgren would be the first to admit). Yet, the 2020’s represented a career renaissance for the actor. Consequently, fans were amazed to learn that while he was simultaneously filming new films in the Aquaman and Expendables franchises, Lundgren was also battling cancer. Director-screenwriter Andrew Holmes chronicles the action star’s life and career, with a special focus on his cancer treatment, in Dolph: Unbreakable, which releases today on VOD.

There is a lot more to Lundgren’s story than many people probably realized, starting with the abusive childhood he endured (and eventually revealed in a TedTalk). Young Lundgren’s living conditions improved when he was packed off to his grandparents, but he continued carrying the emotional weight well into his adult life.

Nonetheless, the teen Lundgren rebounded, mastering Karate and earning a Fullbright scholarship. However, his physique and martial arts chops led to bodyguard gigs, including celebrity clients like Grace Jones, whose interest was more than professional. Through Jones, Lundgren experienced the international party scene. He also started making movies, quickly eclipsing her film career with his breakout performance in Rocky IV.

Admittedly, Lundgren’s subsequent career has had ups and downs. Holmes covers Rocky IV at length and gives due time to Masters of the Universe, The Punisher, Universal Soldier, and the original Expendables. Most of the rest of his output is rather a blur, but there is no denying Lundgren’s indomitable work ethic. Understandably, Holmes largely structures the film around Lundgren’s cancer fight, but also devotes attention to Lundgren’s work in therapy to overcome the long-term emotional trauma of his father’s abuse.

Perhaps some viewers will feel Holmes lets Lundgren off the hook for his infidelity and drug use a little too easily, but he has clearly made peace with his two grown daughters (who duly appear in the film), so who are we to argue? Regardless, his documentary profile is briskly paced and includes insights from just about everyone you would hope for, including Stallone, Van Damme, fellow Expendable Randy Couture, and Arnold Schwarzegger. Admittedly, it would be interesting to hear Jones’s take on her relationship with Lundgren and fans that follow current marital arts cinema would have appreciated insights from Scott Adkins, but four Expendables (five with Lundgren) is a solid assembly.

Private Eyes West Coast, on CW

They started out flirting while sleuthing, like Remington Steele or Bones. Now they are married detectives, like Hart to Hart or McMillan & Wife, except they retired from their detective business and moved to British Columbia to raise their little rugrat, Declan. Yet, murders keep happening around them, like on Murder She Wrote. Naturally, old detective habits die hard in the pilot episode of co-creators Jennifer Kassabian & Sarah Dodd’s Private Eyes West Coast, which premieres tonight on CW.

As some Canadians might remember, Matt Shade was a former hockey player, who started working for the detective agency Angie Everett inherited from her father. After five seasons of cases on Private Eyes, they finally settled down and started a family together. It turns out to be a bigger family than they expected when Everett’s prodigal half-brother Will Federgreen latches unto them, to provide comic relief. At least he is readily available for babysitting.

In fact, Federgreen sits from Declan, so Shade and Everett can enjoy their first post-baby date-night, but what do think happens at the restaurant? Unfortunately, Everett’s friend is discovered holding the knife. Of course, Everett wants to clear her name and Shade agrees to help, because what choice does he have, really?

06:30, on ChaiFlicks

The crimes against humanity committed by Hamas on October 7th were unusually well documented. The killers themselves live-streamed their atrocities and murders. There is no excuse for ignorance. If you haven’t watched their footage due to your delicate nature, that is, in a way, an acknowledgement of their cruelty. However, in some ways, this documentary makes it easier for the audience to confront the horrors of 10/7. Instead of taking viewers to scenes of Hamas’s carnage, it uses miniature models, much like those Rithy Panh employed to tell his family’s story during the Cambodian genocide in The Missing Picture. Nevertheless, the savagery of the attacks remains inescapable in Alon Daniel’s 06:30, which premieres today on ChaiFlicks.

The survivors Daniel assembled were just ordinary people. They were married couples, teenagers, and music fans enjoying the Nova Festival. Many were also kibbutzniks, who among Israelis are considered most likely to support a peaceful two state solution. Many endured serious injuries and in some cases avoided death through sheer luck. In numerous cases, they survived thanks to the sacrifices of loved one.

Ironically, subsequent to the production of 06:30, it has been revealed that a teenage hostage’s story was even more perilous than the film suggests. That is saying a lot, considering the young man fully explains how he was shot in the stomach and nearly starved during his captivity. However, Ynet News later revealed that his father was a Muslim Arab Kibbutz member, which might have been considered treasonous by his son’s Hamas abductors, so his parents kept his father’s identity secret during the hostage-release negotiations.

Beyond Fest ’26: Marge (short)

When it comes to serial killers, criminologists often debate nature vs. nurture. It is something Sadie also wonders about. Her mother was a serial killer, so if she inherited some of that predisposition, will she pass it onto her unborn baby? Regardless, Sadie should stop smoking already as she ponders this question in director-screenwriters Michael Prieto & Julia Kern’s short film Marge, which just premiered at this year’s Beyond Fest.

Flashing back to the era of picture-tube televisions on wheels, Sadie remembers a significant night with Marge—not “mother.” She insisted Sadie refer to her by her first name. Clearly, motherhood was a surprise to Marge, but apparently, she largely accepted it. However, she did not let it prevent her from pursuing her hobbies.

Usually, she keeps her victims out of sight. However, things will get a little messy this night. The violence that erupts is pretty intense, but what makes the short film so disturbing is the ambiguity of Sadie’s response. It is hard to judge whether the grown Sadie looks back on her mother’s crimes with feelings of horror or kinship—and that is definitely a scary take on the making of serial killers.

Of Dogs and Men, on ChaiFlicks

Sixteen-year-old Dar does the worst kind of doom scrolling. She constantly streams the atrocity videos posted by Hamas mass-murderers, searching for evidence regarding her abducted mother’s fate. She is powerless to help her mother, but tries her best to find the family’s missing pet dog Shula in Dani Rosenberg’s Of Dogs and Men, which premieres tomorrow on ChaiFlicks.

Rosenberg’s film has been described as a dramatic-documentary hybrid. However it is labeled, it is viscerally realistic. Rosenberg filmed scenes on and around the Nir Oz kibbutz, so the destruction viewers see was indeed wrought by the terror attacks. Nevertheless, Rosenberg established a firm rule against using homes where real murders or abductions were perpetrated. He also cast several actual survivors in roles that very much reflect their own harrowing experiences. The premise was “scripted,” but much of dialogue was improvised. Some conversations even mention names that might sound familiar to viewers, especially if they watched Montana Tucker’s The Children of October 7.

Tragically, we will never see Dar’s mother, but we hear her disembodied voice, as the young teen reads passages from the abducted woman’s journal, which she recovered from the rubble of her home. Like many Israeli parents, her mother sacrificed herself to protect Dar. Not surprisingly Dar now wrestles with guilt, desperation, and potential grief as a result.

Throughout Of Dogs and Men, Rosenberg refuses to engage in propaganda. Instead, he wrestles with Israel’s soul-searing national tragedy, while also offering compassion for Gazans as well, whether they reciprocate it or not. In fact, in a sort of “best case” fantasy, Dar imagines a Gazan boy adopting Shula, who was last seen chasing the terrorists who kidnapped her mother.

Ironically, young Ori Avinoam is the only professional in the cast, but she is so convincing as traumatized Dar, it is both profoundly impressive and deeply troubling. Clearly, she can place herself in Dar’s position, which is a heavy burden for a teen her age.

Nora Lifshitz, a real-life pet rescuer who would not look out of place in New York’s Alphabet City, also dramatically contradicts the convenient stereotypes of Israelis. She is a hipster with razor-sharp attitude and a giant heart.

The Last First: Winter K2, in The Epoch Times

THE LAST FIRST: WINTER K2 captures the majesty and deadliness of the Himalayan peak, while addressing issues of accountability. Armchaiir mountaineers should watch it instead of ill-advisedly trying to summit K2 for themselves. EPOCH TIMES review up here.

April X: Original Cyberpunk SF

First, April had a troublemaking twin brother. Then she had several zonked-out, unstable clones. She didn’t ask for any of them. Unfortunately, her brother Baxter failed her, but maybe he can save her best clone in Michel K. Parandi’s April X, which opens today in theaters.

Baxter and his hackery pal Ronny did some business with Klein the gangster, but it turned out badly for them. (It turned out even more poorly for the patient that bought their defective synthetic heart.) That put Baxter in Klein’s debt. April hoped to do a deal with the shadowy Tetris, to help buy his way out, but instead, she disappears.

Years pass, as Baxter drinks and sub-optimally works as a driver for Klein. Then he sees April. Initially, he is angry, assuming she abandoned him, but then he realizes it isn’t her, at least not entirely.

April was an ideal candidate for cloning, because she had the unique ability to record her dreams with crystal clarity. Those dreams constitute massive downloads of data that made April who she was. Unfortunately, the more Tetris downloads, the more unpredictable his April clones get. Consequently, he keeps their memories light, so they compliantly serve in his “clubs.” However, April X was already exhibiting unstable and rebellious behavior, even before she meets Baxter.

April X works surprisingly well as an original cyberpunk concept. Parandi and screenwriter Jack Coulton do some nice world-building using Post-Soviet Romania (where production took place) and Russia as a starting point. Yet, in one scene, the AI-looking cityscape appears to incorporate an architectural behemoth inspired by the empty hulking Ryugyong Hotel in North Korea.

Regardless, there are indeed a lot of cool speculative elements, but the gangster business is rather standard issue. Still, Baxter’s relationship with Klein is a bit more complicated and nuanced than viewers might expect.

Infirmary, on Shudder

In the horror genre, ever since Poe published “The System of Dr. Tarr and Prof. Fether,” just about every shrink working in an asylum loses their minds, like it is a predictable occupational hazard. Apparently, something like that happened at Wilshire Infirmary. It has been closed for years, but it still employees a skeleton staff, primarily consisting of security guards—or at least it did, until the events of this film. Luckless Edward Yoon’s first night will be a rough one in Nicholas Pineda’s found footage horror film, Infirmary, which premieres today on Shudder.

Ms. Ambrosia Downey hired Yoon believing he was a veteran, but his reluctance to fill out her VA paperwork immediately causes viewers to suspect a case of stolen valor. If so, better Yoon work in Wilshire, rather than a real hero. For one thing, his supervisor will be Lester Wooley, a bitter ex-cop, who has some rather mean-spirited hazing up his sleeve. There will also be junkie intruders hoping to find drugs, or possibly something more sinister.

True to found footage conventions, viewers entirely watch the drama unfold either through the extensive security cameras or the security guards’ bodycams. For a long-abandoned institution, their surveillance gear is first-rate. Of course, that is super-helpful for cobbling together a found footage movie.

Frustratingly, the full first half of the movie moves along slow as molasses, because it is dominated by Wooley blowhard bullying, with only the occasional hint of something more evil afoot. Yet, when Pineda starts teasing the Wilshire’s sinister backstory, the film starts to intrigue. Frankly, even though Infirmary clocks in just shy of 90 minutes, it feels like the opening episode of a much bigger story.

One Day in People’s Poland, on OVID.tv

September 27, 1962 was a day like any other in Communist Poland. It was typically oppressive and typically well documented. Listening to excerpts of secret police reports selected by Polish documentarian Maciej Drygas might make viewers wonder if everyone in Poland was under constant surveillance during the Communist era. For all practical purposes, everyone had to assume they were. While it does not seem like a hugely significant day from our historical vantage point, it was pretty awful for many average Polish citizens, as primary sources attest in Drygas’s short documentary, One Day in People’s Poland, which premieres today on OVID.tv.

Every word in this film was in some way recorded in 1962. It starts with an early morning police report regarding anti-Communist graffiti defacing the wall of the Chinese embassy. It was a rather punky but amusing act of defiance. The mystery offenders also did a thorough job of it, because the authorities literally had to chisel sections out of the stone wall.

More ominously, there are multiple reports from the Security Service, regarding their surveillance targets. One poor woman went to three different stores in hopes of finding salt for sale. She never got her salt before the Party arrested her.

Considering this day was chosen for its averageness, Drygas’s film should dispel several misconceptions. First, it demonstrates widespread discontent with Communism, well before the Solidarity movement rose to prominence. There are several cases of anti-Communist graffiti, also including a few choice words left on the wall of a train station bathroom.

It also proves just how desperately poor the country was under Marxist economics. The lack of basic necessities was even a national security concern for one military inspector, who reported “25% of soldiers have no shoes whatsoever.” We can only imagine what happened to a truth-teller like him.

Violated Letters, on OVID.tv

Handwritten letters still feel like a much more personal statement than e-mails or texts. Therefore, the interception and censorship of a private letter feels like a much more personal intrusion than snooping on e-mails. The Polish Communist regime did so, by the tens of millions. In fact, internal Communist Party reports boasted of the volume of their internal surveillance and argued for increasingly draconian punitive applications. Viewers can hear (and read subtitles of) those reports along with dramatic examples of the censored correspondence in Marciej Drygas’s short-ish documentary, Violated Letters, which premieres today on OVID.tv.

Every word in Violated Letters could be considered a historical document. Essentially, it shares stylistic and compositional similarities with Dear America: Letters Home from Vietnam, The Ordinary Thing, and other previous documentaries, in which off-screen voices read letters accompanied by archival video from the period under consideration. There is not a strict narrative as such, but the selected texts illustrate the sweep of Twentieth Century Polish history.

Drygas starts with poor Polish peasants complaining about the brutality of the occupying Soviet Red Army, and ends with the censorship office’s 1989 instructions regarding how to hide or dispose of evidence of their crimes. Sometimes, Drygas incorporates eye-witness accounts of traumatic historical events, like a Polish soldier mobilized for the 1968 invasion of Czechoslovakia. Yet, there are small-scale disasters, like the woman unable to obtain a passport to visit her sick mother abroad, who asks a friend to send her a bereavement notice as a ruse.

By far, the most heartbreaking correspondence must be the letter sent by a young boy to the figurehead president, begging for clemency for his father, Karol Chmielowski, who had been sentenced to death. More than any other letter, young Chmilowski’s illuminates the regime’s petty cruelty.

Beware Boiuna: The Next Big Snake

Kaijumentalism is a weird manifestation of Hollywood environmentalism. It tells viewers to consider the big monster eating people a representation of nature’s grandeur, which must be preserved. Okay, but nobody can start buying carbon offsets from the stomach of a big snake. Frankly, it looks a lot safer to consume without regard for sustainability than to travel to the Amazon. You could ask the opinion of Alli’s colleagues, but you will find many of them in a mythical snake’s stomach or regurgitated in the rainforest. The snake will be well-fed in Mike P. Nelson’s Beware Boiuna, which opens this Friday in theaters.

Alli joined Dr. Miguel to do good. Her fellow med student Callum needed to tick the socially conscious community service box. Miguel operates a traveling clinic aboard a river boat that looks about as seaworthy as the African Queen. It is Lena’s job to hold the bucket of bolts together. She accepted the gig, because she is looking for her brother working in a deep off-the-books Amazonian lumber mill. Based on the prologue, his prognosis is not favorable.

There is a giant snake out there, whom the local indigenous people call Boiuna. Lena knows all about her, because she came from these parts—and would have never returned if not for her brother. Unfortunately, the more pressing problem for Alli and Lena is entirely human in nature. Brennan Malloy, a first world exploiter (just what he does is never fully explained, but he claims he is surveying for potential new highways, which would be useful infrastructure) has a bone to pick with them. They accidentally killed his creepy brother Shawn in self-defense. The women were reluctant to call the police, because Alli had been caught in the act, trying to cast the Good Ship Exploitation adrift, in an act of “rain forest defense.” Instead, they just dumped the body in the river and hoped for the best. Geez, where’s the Boiuna when they need her?

Needless to say, Nelson and co-screenwriters Tony Giglio and Alan McElroy’s attempts at consciousness raising are all pretty dumb. Fortunately, Nelson is much more dexterous handling the giant snake. The way Boiuna coils and slithers is really quite impressive. Nelson also shrewdly teases glimpses and partial views before revealing its full kaiju-esque glory.

The Scout, in The Epoch Times

THE SCOUT forthrightly depicts the decidedly unglamorous working conditions of location scouts, but its dramatic arc is almost entirely flat. EPOCH TIMES review up here.

Coyote vs. Acme, on VOD

Poor Wile E. Coyote. During an average cartoon appearance, he takes more punishment than Tom from Tom and Jerry. Yet, he keeps on plugging along. However, he might finally get some payback of his own, against the company that sold him all those faulty rockets and the other dangerously negligent consumer items he purchased for his schemes over the years. On the other hand, there is a decent chance Coyote or his underachieving lawyer might just sabotage the case in David Green’s animated hybrid Coyote vs. Acme, which releases today on VOD.

Inspired by Ian Frazier’s satirical New Yorker piece of the same title, Coyote vs. Acme directly compares to Who Framed Roger Rabbit, both for their successful blending of animation and live action as well as the ways they conceived of the social interaction between humans and cartoons. In Coyote’s world, cartoons suffer random injuries all the time, but bottom-feeding human ambulance chasers like Kevin Avery (named in honor of Tex Avery) usually just settle them for chump change.

That was Avery’s intention with Coyote’s case. However, the sheer volume of his claims was so mammoth, it added up to much more than the lazy personal injury attorney realized. Suddenly, he finds himself arguing a blockbuster case, representing a client who doesn’t speak (but he has a limited number of signs he can hold up).

Frankly, the actual case against Acme and the rivalry between Avery and Acme chief counsel Buddy Crane are the least interesting aspects of the adapted screenplay, credited to DC studio boss James Gunn, Jeremy Slater, and Samy Burch. Instead, it is all the sly little hat-tips and Easter eggs that celebrate the Looney Tunes franchise that make Coyote vs. Acme such a charmer.

Seeing the longtime Peter Lorre caricature appear as a good guy, an Acme R&D scientist and potential whistle-blower, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances, is a wonderful tribute to the actor. Likewise, bits of business involving portable holes, Coyote’s Rube Goldberg-esque traps, and inventive cameos for all the major Looney Tunes characters, keep the good vibes coming.

To give credit where it is due, Avery could very well represent the best performance of Will Forte’s career. He manages to create the illusion of genuine rapport with Coyote, who was present on-set as a puppet created and controlled by David Barclay—and then later animated in post. Their sad sack friendship is warmly endearing.

Miller Night Football, on HBO

It had been 17 years since Howard Cosell anchored Monday Night Football and 15 years since O.J. Simpson provided color commentary. Those were certainly notable shoes to fill. Arguably, nobody really had, because Monday Night Football had lost some of its luster over the intervening years. To breathe life into Monday Night Football, ABC tried a radical experiment: hiring a comedian. Somehow, they chose Dennis Miller. His tenure was short but memorable. Those involved look back on Miller’s two seasons, mostly fondly, in Jeff Cameron’s short documentary, Miller Night Football, which premieres tomorrow on HBO.

In the year 2000, the broadcast networks were losing viewers to cable. Consequently, Monday Night Football faced considerably more competition, as sports in prime time became relatively common place. ABC hatched a plan to lure viewers back with a less sporty, more entertaining commentator, to supplement Al Michaels, the veteran play-by-play announcer and Dan Fouts, a retried Hall of Fame quarterback. Radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh aggressively pursued the gig, but it is clear ABC would never accept his politics. Proving the point, former coordinating producer David Israel casually smears Limbaugh as “a racist,” after admitting he nailed his audition.

Arguably, that is a highly relevant and telling detail, because Miller’s own commentary turned in a starboard direction following the terrorist attacks of September 11. In fact, 9/11 directly impacted Monday Night Football, postponing one game. When football resumed, the mood of the country remained much more subdued, making it trickier for Miller to fulfill his comedic role on the broadcast.

It is a shame the Miller years didn’t last longer, because he landed some hilarious riffs.  Eventually, ABC replaced Miller and Fouts with John Madden, which made sense to a lot of fans at the time. However, if they had kept Miller for a few more years, they would have had a wealth a material to repackage (like “Miller on the Giants,” “Miller on the Broncos,” “Miller on the Refs,” etc.).