The 1980's were a golden age for trashy entertainment. Folks were self-aware
about it too. Nobody thought Dallas or Dynasty were prestige
television. That’s why people watched them. It was all about the scheming and the
cat fights. Nobody wanted to see Larry Hagman or Joan Collins discover the true
meaning of Christmas. However, that is what happens for five veteran soap opera
actresses in Ladies of the ‘80s: a Divas Christmas, directed by Christie
Will Wolf, which premieres tomorrow on Lifetime.
In
the 1980s, The Great Lakes was a soap opera sensation. It was recently
canceled, but a child actor from its salad days successfully pitched the
network a reunion Christmas special, for his first grown-up producing gig. To direct,
he recruited his almost college girlfriend. They should have been perfect
together, because they are so painfully bland, but incredibly contrived and unconvincing
circumstances kept them apart.
Initially,
two of the feuding divas threaten to cancel the special, but when they realize
these two mixed-up kids need a little help getting back together, they agree to
forget their differences, so they can all play cupid. Unfortunately, there is
not much more to it than that—and none of it is very Christmasy.
The
cleverest thing about Ladies of the ‘80s are the characters names, which
refer to the famous real-life TV stars’ best-known roles. Loni Anderson plays
Lily Marlowe, in reference to Jennifer Marlowe, the bombshell receptionist on WKRP.
(She is a bit of an exception in this cast of primetime soap stars, but
Anderson did have a three-episode arc on Melrose Place, so maybe she got
to pull Heather Locklear’s hair.) Linda Grey plays Lauren Ewing, an obvious Dallas
reference. Plus, her husband is played by Christopher Atkins (The Blue
Lagoon and The Pirate Movie), who also played Sue Ellen Ewing’s
one-time lover.
Knotts
Landing is
well-represented by both Donna Mills as Dana Cunningham and Nicolette Sheridan
as Juliette Matheson. Morgan Fairchild rounds out the divas as Margaux Roberts,
which refers back to her Knotts Landing stint. That’s all kind of clever
and it really is fitting to have 1980s pop-star Tiffany sing the theme song.
Unfortunately, that is about the extent of the Eighties nostalgia, which is,
like, totally disappointing.
V.C. Andrews never gets mentioned as an example of “Southern writers,” but
she certainly was one. You know her Southern gothic tales of incest would have
amused Tennessee Williams (but he surely would have found them trashy, just the
same). She wouldn’t have recognized much in her latest Lifetime miniseries,
because it was the first posthumous series entirely written by the estate’s
mostly-transparent ghostwriter Andrew Neiderman, but the themes and style are
highly Andrewsian. Get ready for some sibling awkwardness when V.C. Andrews’
Dawn premieres tonight on Lifetime.
Dawn
Longchamp’s family moves so much, you would almost think her father is a wanted
man. Well, as a matter of fact… Ormand Longchamp risked returning to Richmond,
because as an elite prep school’s new handyman, his children, Dawn and her emotionally
supportive (perhaps to an unusual extent) brother Jimmy could attend for free.
Unfortunately, Dawn makes an enemy of the school’s queen bee, Clara Jean
Cutler, when she outshines the mean girl’s singing talents.
Sadly,
tragedy soon strikes the Longchamp family twice, when her mom dies and her
father is arrested in the hospital. It turns out he was wanted for kidnapping
Dawn from the well-heeled Cutler family. She was known as Eugenia Cutler then. Not
surprisingly, Clara Jean is less than thrilled to suddenly have her as a
sister. Her new “parents” try to make nice, but they are mostly useless. The
real power in the Cutler family is her new grandmother, Lillian Cutler, whose
abusive behavior rivals that of Cinderella’s wicked step-mother. It is also
super creepy to be around her new brother Philip, the school cad, who was
trying to put the moves on her before they knew they were related. On the plus
side, Jimmy Longchamp is now fair game.
Seriously,
what were you expecting? The good news is Brec Bassinger (Arrowverse’s
Stargirl) is probably the best of Lifetime’s recent V.C. Andrews heroines. She brings
a sympathetic presence to the first two feature-length installments (“Dawn” and
“Secrets of the Morning”) provided for review. On the other hand, Linda-Lisa
Hayter’s helming is disappointingly pedestrian. In fact, “Secrets of the
Morning,” which focuses on Dawn now-Cutler’s studies in New York, largely feels
like an old-fashioned coed drama, losing its Southern gothic flavor until the
final twenty minutes.
