Ladies of the ‘80s: A Divas Christmas, on Lifetime

The 1980's were a golden age for trashy entertainment. Folks were self-aware about it too. Nobody thought Dallas or Dynasty were prestige television. That’s why people watched them. It was all about the scheming and the cat fights. Nobody wanted to see Larry Hagman or Joan Collins discover the true meaning of Christmas. However, that is what happens for five veteran soap opera actresses in Ladies of the ‘80s: a Divas Christmas, directed by Christie Will Wolf, which premieres tomorrow on Lifetime.

In the 1980s, The Great Lakes was a soap opera sensation. It was recently canceled, but a child actor from its salad days successfully pitched the network a reunion Christmas special, for his first grown-up producing gig. To direct, he recruited his almost college girlfriend. They should have been perfect together, because they are so painfully bland, but incredibly contrived and unconvincing circumstances kept them apart.

Initially, two of the feuding divas threaten to cancel the special, but when they realize these two mixed-up kids need a little help getting back together, they agree to forget their differences, so they can all play cupid. Unfortunately, there is not much more to it than that—and none of it is very Christmasy.

The cleverest thing about Ladies of the ‘80s are the characters names, which refer to the famous real-life TV stars’ best-known roles. Loni Anderson plays Lily Marlowe, in reference to Jennifer Marlowe, the bombshell receptionist on WKRP. (She is a bit of an exception in this cast of primetime soap stars, but Anderson did have a three-episode arc on Melrose Place, so maybe she got to pull Heather Locklear’s hair.) Linda Grey plays Lauren Ewing, an obvious Dallas reference. Plus, her husband is played by Christopher Atkins (The Blue Lagoon and The Pirate Movie), who also played Sue Ellen Ewing’s one-time lover.

Knotts Landing is well-represented by both Donna Mills as Dana Cunningham and Nicolette Sheridan as Juliette Matheson. Morgan Fairchild rounds out the divas as Margaux Roberts, which refers back to her Knotts Landing stint. That’s all kind of clever and it really is fitting to have 1980s pop-star Tiffany sing the theme song. Unfortunately, that is about the extent of the Eighties nostalgia, which is, like, totally disappointing.

Frankly, Ladies of the ‘80s is just toothless and unforgivably boring. James Berg and Stan Zimmerman’s teleplay would be considered dull by the standard of most Hallmark Christmas TV-movies. Its all-talking and no-slapping. It is great to see this cast together, but they truly have nothing to do.

It would be great to see the five divas (plus Atkins) get a chance to plot, fight, seduce, preen and vampishly chew the scenery. This project probably started with a great idea, but the execution is lame. Not recommended, Ladies of the ‘80s: a Divas Christmas airs this Saturday (12/2) on Lifetime.