Silent River

As society becomes increasingly cashless, dead folks no longer have coins to pay the ferryman to the other side. There are several symbolic references to that old myth in this mystical thriller—or is that gold coin more than merely emblematic? Elliot physically happens across it after checking into a strange dessert motel. The woman in the room next door looks a heck of a lot like his wife Julie, but she insists she isn’t. That is the kind of self-consciously Lynchian ride we’re in for during Chris Chan Lee’s Silent River, which releases today on VOD.

Elliot seems to have a lot of blood on him when he checks in. He also has a suit case full of his wife’s clothes. The woman in the connecting room looks a lot like Julie but she says she is Greta. She also claims Patrick is her husband. He is dead, at least for now, but she has his android-automaton ready for some kind of exchange. It is hard to say what is real and what is illusion, not even Elliot’s visions of a Minotaur roaming the halls of the motel.

Yes, Silent River is definitely that kind of film. It is always risking to lean so heavily into secret world-beyond-our-own spiritual mumbo jumbo—just look at Adam Sigal’s Chariot or, saints in Heaven protects us, Timothy Woodward Jr.’s Checkmate (but the ultra-micro-budgeted Mystery Spot largely pulled it off). Silent River is a bit more disciplined, but it is also much slower getting started. Viewers basically tour every inch of the motel during the sluggish initial half-hour.

A Clear Shot: The 1991 Sacramento Hostage Crisis

The Good Guys chain of electronic stores no longer exists, nor does the CompUSA chain that was subsequently absorbed by an online retailer, after buying them out. It probably did not help the Good Guys brand much when one of its stores became the location of the 1991 Sacramento Hostage Crisis. The police response—still considered the largest hostage rescue in American history—is thinly fictionalized in director-screenwriter Nick Leisure’s A Clear Shot, which releases today on DVD and VOD.

Lt. Gomez is the hostage negotiator in charge, but the Sheriff is itching to take control and unleash the SWAT team. Gomez is getting pressure from all sides, but the first on the scene Sgt. “Kappy” has respect for his mentor. He also quickly recruits Officer Advencula to his field kitchen cabinet. Unfortunately, the four hostage-takers are twitchy and dangerously prone to internal strife. Of course, there are also children and pregnant hostages to further raise the stakes.

Clear Shot is a sturdily constructed but not especially remarkable police drama. As Gomez, Mario Van Peebles goes all-in with world-weary understatement and it mostly works. Hao Do and Kevin Bach help humanize the reluctant half of the four gunmen, which heightens the sense of inevitable tragedy. However, the real standout is Marshal Hilton, who develops believable buddy-cop chemistry with Van Peebles and shines in what is probably the film’s most memorable scene (you’ll know it when you see it).

The Debt Collectors: Scott Adkins is Back in Business

Whenever an anti-hero gets talked into doing “one last job,” it is always a mistake. In this case, it is really three last jobs, making it three times worse. Frankly, French knows it is a bad idea to get back in the collections business, but he has been really scuffling since the last film, so he lets his old partner Sue talk him into an ill-advised trifecta in Jesse V. Johnson’s The Debt Collectors, which releases this Friday on VOD.

Things were looking dicey for French at the end of The Debt Collector [singular] and even worse for Sue, but somehow, they both pulled through. Their old boss Big Tommy told them to lie low after their fatal shootout with Barbosa, the gangster, so it is ironic he now wants them to collect Barbosa’s old debts—too ironic. In fact, they are being set up by Barbosa’s vengeful brother, but it will take the knuckleheads a while to figure it out.

Of course, the three collections are particularly hard cases. One of them is played by Vernon Wells (a fan favorite from The Road Warrior and Commando), so you know he must be tough. Basically, Johnson and co-screenwriter Stu Small follow the successful formula they established in the first film: French and Sue (but mostly French) bash away at the vigs’ henchmen, taking a good pounding themselves, until the debtors finally pay up. However, there is probably a greater sense of danger this time around.

Arguably, the first outing had a lighter tone, which is why we would even compare it to a lot of Elmore Leonard films, including Get Shorty. The new (plural) installment is a bit heavier, but Scott Adkins and Louis Mandylor still have terrific bickering-bantering-brawling buddy chemistry, as French and Sue, respectively. Obviously, Adkins has all kinds of moves and muscle, while Mandylor looks like grizzled gristle personified.

Torpedo U-235

It is the Red October of German U-boats. U-235 was commandeered by the Allies in hopes it could slip through the Axis naval blockade. Unfortunately, they know it has gone rogue in Sven Huybrechts’ Torpedo U-235, which releases today on VOD.

Belgian resistance leader Stan is not inclined to take prisoners, but it will be hard to blame him when we learn his full backstory. His daughter Nadine is part of his rag-tag team, but the rest of their family was killed by a nasty piece of SS work. As a result, he has earned a rep for ruthlessness that has made him a pariah amongst the Belgian command-in-exile. However, that makes his squad perfectly expendable for this high-risk mission.

Stan and his men will pilot a U-boat loaded with uranium from the Belgian Congo across the Atlantic to supply the Manhattan Project. According to the original plan, captured old-line Naval Captain Franz Jager was supposed to give them several weeks of intensive training and then cut them loose. However, they all find themselves diving for survival when local informers turn them in to the National Socialists.

In many ways, U-235 is like a throwback to old Euro war movies that were filmed in Yugoslavia with vintage military equipment rented from Tito. That’s actually a good thing. This is a lean, unfussy film that clearly enjoys the traditional conventions of the submarine movie. Huybrechts milks the claustrophobic setting with gusto, while not overdoing the predictable conflicts between the Belgians and Jager. In fact, the German captain’s motivations are reasonably believable. (Still, whenever we see a phonograph record in a sub film, we know with absolute certainty someone will accidentally play it at an inopportune time.)

The Dalai Lama: Scientist

For decades, Western scientists and clergy have focused on areas of fundamental disagreement between science and religion. Yet, the question of evolution vs. creationism has virtually no bearing on people’s every day lives. In contrast, His Holiness, the Dalai Lama has focused on areas of compatibility between Tibetan Buddhist teachings and modern science. He has also sponsored research designed to foster greater emotional well-being for all humanity. Dawn Gifford Engle documents His Holiness’s engagement with the scientific community in The Dalai Lama: Scientist, which releases tomorrow on VOD.

Even as a child, before he was recognized as the reincarnate Lama, the young Tibetan Buddhist displayed a natural curiosity about the way things work. As the titular head of the Tibetan society in exile, the Dalai Lama has fostered scientific education and opened dialogue with some of the world’s leading scientists. Many prestigious physicists, biologists, and neuro-scientists consider him a personal friend, but the Dalai Lama’s relationship with the late Francisco Varela receives special focus.

Throughout the film, Engle and the Dalai Lama’s colleagues identify key areas of quantum physics, cognitive psychology, and neuroscience where Tibetan Buddhist teachings largely concur with the latest cutting-edge theories. In fact, the Venn diagram overlap is often quite striking. Engle never dumbs down any of this heady material, which is admirable. However, she heavily relies on archival video footage of the Dalai Lama’s scientific symposiums. There is just no getting around the fact this is a talking film.

Why Don’t You Just Die: Death and Death in Russia

Andrei Gennadievitch is a Russian cop, but he is nothing like Arkady Renko in Martin Cruz Smith’s novels or Inspector Rostnikov from Stuart Kaminsky’s mystery series. Gennadievitch is a big bull of a man, but he is a thoroughly corrupt, shameless excuse for a human being. He is not the sort of person you want to tangle with, but the hapless Matvei will try to kill him anyway. A whole lot of bloody mayhem will ensue in director-screenwriter Kirill Sokolov’s Why Don’t You Just Die!, which releases today on VOD (theatrical distribution planned for earlier in the month was cancelled due to the CCP-virus, so forward all your complaints to Xi Jinping in Beijing).

Poor Matvei has been played rather badly by his girlfriend, Olya. Her father is a thug with a badge, but her allegations of sexual abuse were pure fabrication. She wound-up Matvei and sent him off after her father, armed only with a hammer. He wasn’t expecting Olya’s emotionally-deadened mother to be home as well, but she is. Nevertheless, he and Gennadievitch are soon engaged in vicious combat, using as weapons whatever they might find throughout the apartment.

Inevitably, Gennadievitch gains the upper hand, but Matvei keeps bouncing back. The title definitely refers to him. However, more people will get involved in the madness when Gennadievitch invites over his daughter for answers and Yevgenich (the partner he double-crossed) to help clean-up the mess. Instead, the wreckage just gets messier.

Although WDYJD is not explicitly political, it might just be the perfect representation of police work and criminal justice as it is currently practiced in Putin’s Russian tsardom. Corruption begets violence, which begets even more escalating violence. Press materials make the old Tarantino comparison, but watching the film gives us a hunch Sokolov has inhaled plenty of Takashi Miike as well. He has an eye for absurdly disgusting details, but more importantly, there is a dark logic to the way it all unfolds.

Sea Fever: Enjoy a Contagious Monster Movie

You would think superstitious sailors would never name their vessel after the legendary nymph Niamh Cinn Oir, given how tragically her romance with a mortal ended, but apparently this salty sea-faring couple did just that. However, everyone on-board seems to believe redheads are unlucky. That will make things even more awkward for their new passenger, a ginger-haired grad student. However, they will need her marine biology expertise when they encounter a strange mollusk creature in Neasa Hardiman’s Sea Fever, which releases today on VOD.

She prefers the lab, but Siobhan must conduct some field observation to complete her advanced degree. The Niamh Cinn Oir is not exactly a research vessel, but its owners, married couple Gerard and Freya need the money. The spectrum-ish Siobhan does not exactly endear herself to the crew, but her scientific knowledge and scuba diving talent will come in handy when the ship is thrown off course by a large mysterious object, damaging their radio and navigation.

It turns out the trawler is tied up by the tentacles of a large squid-like monster. Rather ominously, its secretions have a corroding effect on the hull. Even worse, it holds weird parasitic organisms that causes blindness, projectile-hemorrhaging, and madness. As a scientist, Siobhan understands the need to quarantine everyone on-board before they return home—if that will even be possible—but the rest of the crew doesn’t want to listen.

Sea Fever is an unusually moody monster movie that builds as much tension out of character-based conflicts as it does from the thing in the ocean. Most of the crew have very distinct personalities, including Freya & Gerard, as well as Omid, the Serbian engineer (who is nearly as standoffish as Siobhan) and gray-haired Ciara (who is not as kindly as she looks).

Although this is clearly a scrappy production (the polite way of saying “low budget”), the creature effects look decent. Admittedly, Hardiman tries to imply more than she actually shows, but that is usually a wise strategy, even when budget constraints are not an issue. Her screenplay also makes the underlying science sound credible and realistic. In some respects, the film evokes the vibe of vintage Doctor Who (in the best, nostalgic way), as well as the isolated alienation of John Carpenter’s The Thing remake.

We Summon the Darkness: Leave it Unbidden

In the 1980s, people still believed the word “evil” had tangible meaning. These days, people are embarrassed by the concept and increasingly resentful when anyone points out its manifestations. Hence, the mass murderers committed by the likes of Richard Ramirez and the Matamoros cult are dismissed with the pejorative term: “satanic panic.” This film takes matters a step further, using “satanic panic” to cast jujitsu-like shade on conventional Christianity in Marc Meyers’ We Summon the Darkness, which releases this Friday on VOD platforms.

Frankly, this film’s worst sin in its slow-as-molasses start. After nearly half-an-hour, the major characters are still farting around in the parking lot after a head-banging heavy metal concert. Metalheads Alexis, Val, and their new friend Bev invite three losers to come back and party with them, even though they could easily pick-up much better-looking guys, thereby making us instantly suspicious. Needless to say, it is not the women viewers should be worried for, but they are only using the trappings of Satanism, in what could be called a false flag operation.

Granted, Chelsea Stardust’s Satanic Panic got a little scoldy in its class warfare finger-wagging, but it was still consistently funny and enormously energetic. In contrast, Meyers and screenwriter Alan Trezza focus on literally demonizing Evangelical Christianity, to the exclusion of nearly everything else. Only the bloody over-the-top mayhem of the final twenty minutes makes any inroads towards redemption—so to speak.

Red Flags: CCP Infiltration of Australian Universities

By now, it should be painfully clear when the CCP knocks on your door, they are not there to help. That’s true even when they offer large sums of cash. Many American institutions of higher learning have been tempted by the generous research grants ostensibly private Chinese companies have dangled before them, but Australian universities have accepted to an especially alarming extent. These shadowy ties are exposed in the Australian Broadcasting-Four Corners in-depth report, Red Flags, which releases today on iTunes.

Several American Universities have recently closed their campus Confucius Institutes, described by a recent Senate report as a centers of propaganda dissemination, with good reason, since they are directly controlled by China’s State Council, Consequently, all speakers and educational material they provide are approved by China’s authoritarian government. University of Queensland Vice-Chancellor Peter Høj was formerly an advisor to the CI regional organization, until he resigned after Australia passed new “Foreign Interference” disclosure laws.

Høj talks a good game about cultural exchange working both ways, but he never cites examples of how the UQ CI branch ever promoted the values of democracy and free expression in China or even with the many Chinese students enrolled at the university. Indeed, the opposite seems to be the case, given the way CCP-loyalist students were allowed to attack and intimidate pro-democracy students from Hong Kong and the campus allies, like activist Drew Pavlou, with impunity.

Self-Quarantine Viewing: Foxtrot Six

Angga is a former commando now serving in Congress. He is sort of like an Indonesian Dan Crenshaw, except the Jakartan has made some ethical compromises along the way. Angga has a plan to wipe out a troublesome guerilla outfit, but he changes his mind when he realizes his long-lost love is their leader. He and his old comrades fight hard to undo the machinations he sets in motion in Randy Korompis’s English-language Indonesian action movie, Foxtrot Six, executive-produced by Mario Kassar (T2 & Rambo of fame), which is now available on VOD platforms.

Once a hero, Angga has been co-opted and corrupted by the Piranha Party, the political wing of the powerful “Piranhas Corporation.” They were going to call themselves the Evil Predators Inc., but the public relations department convinced the top execs to tone it down. Angga successfully pitches them a scheme to distract the populace and discredit the rebels known as “The Reform,” (again, so subtle these names), but he has to take on his old nemesis Wisnu as his chief enforcer.

Unbeknownst to Angga, Piranhas and Wisnu have hatched a much bigger and bloodier false flag operation. They intend to “martyr” seven of their own unsuspecting congressmen, including Angga’s closest ally. Of course, the Reform will be scapegoated. It turns out that includes Sari Nirmala, Angga’s great love and the mother of the daughter he never knew he had. Suddenly it is up to Angga, four of his former fellow commandos, and Nirmala’s taciturn lieutenant known as Spec to save the country and vindicate the Reform.

Frankly, none of the conspiracy stuff makes much sense and the Angga-Nirmala subplots are eye-rollingly melodramatic. What is most frustrating is that Julie Estelle, probably still best known as “Hammer Girl” in The Raid 2, really does not have any real action to perform in Foxtrot.

Speed of Life: A Time Travel Ode to Bowie

He wrote “Space Oddity” and starred in The Man Who Fell to Earth. David Bowie brought science fiction into rock & roll better than anyone, so he probably would have been amused by the fanciful notion his death could so unbalance the universe, it tears a wormhole into the space-time continuum. That is exactly what happens in director-screenwriter Liz Manashil’s Speed of Life, which releases today on VOD platforms.

January 10, 2016 is a particularly fateful day for June Hoffman. First, her favorite recording artist, David Bowie, passes on to the great glitter club in the sky. Next, her boyfriend Edward Karp is ripped through the wormhole caused by his passing. Rather awkwardly, they were having a “we need to have a talk” sort of argument when he disappeared. For the next three decades, she lives in a state of limbo hoping he will re-materialize, as indeed he does, just when she is due to move into a dystopian state-mandated retirement home on her 60^th birthday.

Karp has not aged a second, but society is now a watered-down version of Logan’s Run, requiring communal early bird dinners at sixty, rather than death at thirty. She had intended to run away with her torch-carrying friend Samuel, but Karp’s arrival complicates everything.

Speed of Life is a heartfelt film that features several nicely turned performances, so there is definitely stuff there to like. With that stipulation, it must be noted Manashil does not have a strong grasp on the mechanics of time-travel narratives. Ultimately, she sort of tries to have her temporal cake and eat it too, resulting in an ending that makes no sense whatsoever. She also seems to be uncomfortable handling dystopian themes, because the nearly sixty-year old Hoffman appears to live in a bizarrely sunny and laidback Brave New World. Frankly, it is never clear just how much urgency there is to the countdown to 60. On top of all that, the brief 75-minute feature feels conspicuously padded with a subplot involving Samuel’s daughter Laura and her new neighbor Phillip, which never pays off to any meaningful degree.

The Fare: Love and Time Loops

This must be a Twilight Zone kind of story, because the characters call for taxis rather than Ubers. This particular yellow cab will not get very far. The cabbie’s customer keeps disappearing after he takes her down a lonesome stretch for twenty minutes or so. Then everything resets. Time sure seems to be looping in D.C. Hamilton’s The Fare, which releases today on VOD.

Harris (don’t call him “Harry”) and Penny (like the coin) keep having the same chit-chat over and over—until he starts to remember. It turns out she always did. Finally, their conversation can advance into deeper territory. Unfortunately, they are unable to find a way to break the cycle, but they are clearly developing serious feelings for each other. Regardless, she still disappears and as soon as Harris resets his meter, they are back to where they started.

Obviously, we can’t say too much about a film like this, because it would be spoilery. However, we can almost guarantee you won’t see the twist coming, even though hints are deviously dropped in the early going. Hamilton and screenwriter-co-lead Brinna Kelly engage in some truly masterful misdirection. On the surface, this is a shrewdly simple-to-stage two-person science fiction film that requires virtually no special effects, but the real story is much more complex.

The Fare also happens to be the best genre romance since maybe Benson & Moorhead’s Spring. Kelly and Gino Anthony Pesi are absolutely terrific together. Their chemistry is truly the key. We really care about them as a couple, which is an even greater trick to pull off in this case, because the film must be so cagey about their back-stories. Yet, their mutual affection deepens organically and never feels forced.

Philophobia: or the Fear of Falling in Love

For some people, relationships are more frightening than ghosts and monsters. Guys like Damien Booster are a major reason why. However, it is Booster who must face a long night of chills and nightmares in Tyler Cole’s Philophobia: or the Fear of Falling in Love, which releases today on VOD.

Booster has been gaining traction as a podcaster, but that hardly makes him famous in a town like Los Angeles. Nevertheless, he manages to impress Danielle Scott, who starts to develop feelings for him. She even invites Booster to meet her mother at brunch. Unfortunately, he reacts poorly, even by his standards. In fact, he butchers the moment so badly, she flatly breaks up with him.

Of course, Booster is pained by this, but his commitment-phobia is so ingrained, he unable to respond in any halfway appropriate manner. The visit of his old high school buddy Alan should distract him, but instead he acts like a self-absorbed killjoy, which he is. Granted, he has an excuse. Immediately after the break-up, Booster starts experiencing macabre visions or hallucinations revolving around relationship themes. There might even be some kind of spectral energy haunting him.

Philophobia is sort of like a Christmas Carol for bad break-up, but Booster is not explicitly visited by the Ghosts of Relationships Past, Present, and Future. Regardless, it is stakes out some surprisingly fresh genre ground. Old School horror fans might be disappointed the genre elements are not more prominent and graphic, but it could well be a function of Cole’s severely limited budget constraints (like Robert Townsend’s Hollywood Shuffle, Philophobia was largely financed with maxed out credit cards).

What might really surprise many viewers is the sharpness of the dialogue, written by screenwriter Aaron Burt, who also plays Booster. Sometimes this film is painful to watch, not due to ghoulish visuals, but because what the characters have to say cuts so deeply.

Sweetheart, from Blumhouse

The list of gill-men monster movies is short, but distinguished: Creature from the Black Lagoon, Humanoids from the Deep, The Shape of Water. One of those even won some awards. Probably Humanoids, because Ann Turkel was the best. Bravely, Blumhouse and the director of Sleight will wade into these waters. The horror is more subtle than you might expect, but it is still very real in JD Dillard’s Sweetheart, which is now available on VOD.

Presumably it really was a boating accident. Regardless, Jenn comes to on the beach of a remote desert island in relatively good health, but her friend nearby will quickly expire. She will comfort him and then bury him, but something will later dig him up. As she explores the island, she finds signs people were here before—and died here before. It is all quite baffling until she catches a glimpse of some sort of scaly monster living off shore.

Soon, Jenn spends all her nights running and hiding from the creature. Fortunately, it does not come out during the day, or at least not very much. It is sort of a frying-pan-into-the-fire situation, but she adapts quickly. Of course, when more survivors eventually wash-up, they assume she is merely showing signs of post-traumatic stress. Right, they will just have to learn for themselves the hard way, won’t they?

Sleight was a very good film, but it was driven more by its talented young cast and their engaging characters. Even though Sweetheart has a smaller cast and long stretches without any dialogue, Dillard is working on a much bigger canvas this time. He captures a vivid sense of Jenn’s isolation and masterfully builds the tension. Dillard also puts on a masterclass on how to slowly reveal a movie monster, for maximum effect.

Harpoon: Genre Mayhem on a Boat

It is time for some sea stories for fans of hip, violent midnight movies, in the Tarantino tradition. There will be a sly narrator and plenty of booze. There will also be all kinds of sexual jealousy, class envy, and good old-fashioned bad attitudes. The pleasure craft “Naughty Buoy” will be like a homicidal version of the S.S. Minnow in Rob Grant’s Harpoon, which launches today on VOD.

Poor, unloved Jonah really does not like his best bud Richie very much, but he still hangs out with the wealthy lout, just to partake in his privileged life-style. He is also probably carrying a torch for Richie’s girlfriend Sasha, who mostly stays with him for the same reason. Richie has anger management issues, as we can plainly see in the opening scenes. To make up for his violent rage, Richie offers to whisk them off on a day trip in the Naughty Buoy. Obviously, he sounds like the kind of guy you would want to share a tight, confined space with.

Inevitably, the same suspicions and resentments will rear their head again, on the open ocean. Just when violence and murder appear inevitable, the three pseudo-friends will call a truce when they discover the engine has died and their store of food and fresh water is minimal. To survive, they will need to work together. Right, the outlook for that is not so hot.

On the other hand, their increasingly mounting troubles are quite funny—in a pitch-black kind of way. There is plenty of edgy (and often blood-splattered) humor here, but the funniest material comes from Brett Gelman’s ultra-droll narration—arguably the funniest omniscient voice-overs since Ron Howard’s vintage pre-Netflix Arrested Development narration.

Fortunately, Munro Chambers, Emily Tyra, and Christopher Gray are fearlessly and aggressively unlikable and profoundly unfit for society as Jonah, Sasha, and Richie. They are compulsively watchable, but nobody will care what happens to them, so just enjoy the mayhem.

Devil’s Revenge: “Presented by” William Shatner

Perhaps you always suspected, but it turns out Hell really is in Kentucky. To be precise, it is nestled deep within the Louisville Grotto, which has never looked so small before. An archaeologist keeps venturing down there in search of an artifact that he believes has cursed his family, but the tricks the demons play with his mind just might kill him in Jared Cohn’s Devil’s Revenge, which releases today on VOD.

Let’s be honest right up front, this story makes next to no sense. For some reason, John’s blowhard father is convinced there is a “relic” hidden somewhere in the Grotto (renamed “Black Hollow Cave”) that must be destroyed if their family is to survive. Even the formerly responsible academic thinks the old man is off his rocker, but he keeps going down. The last trip was especially disastrous, resulting in the death of one of his hill country Sherpas. He also brought the demons back with him.

After a near-death experience, John sees evil things everywhere. His only recourse will be recovering and destroying the relic once and for all. For reasons that baffle the mind, his ex-military father convinces him to bring along his wife Susan, daughter Dana, and son Eric, to ensure they will be in maximum harm’s way.

Right, that sounds like a logical course of action. Regardless, it is not like we are invested in any of these characters. All this film really has to offer are two over-the-top tirades from William Shatner, eclipsing all his Star Trek freak-outs and even outdoing his meltdown from The Intruder. Granted, the prospect of seeing the Shat blow away demons with a gas-powered projectile launcher is some kind of enticement, but everything else in this movie is a huge disappointment.

Vicious: Dutch Teen Horror

Every junior high student should be forced to watch slasher films, because bullies would be scared into nicer behavior. Carrie would be the classic case, but in scores of vintage 1980s horror movies, the killer is inevitably out to avenge a fatal case of bullying, as in the original Prom Night. Evidently, the new girl has a mysterious history of bullying that she could very well pay the ultimate price for—unless she is just escalating her tormenting ways in Dennis Bots’ Vicious, which is now available on VOD.

“What happens in the Ardennes, stays in the Ardennes,” Kim’s friends say. They think they’re joking. For some unfathomable reason, they have set off on a girl’s weekend at a classic “cabin in the woods” right when a blizzard is expected to dump on the mountains. Supposedly, it is their last chance to celebrate their friendship before finals, college, and real life happen, but the truth is they really far from being four Musketeers.

Pippa is the newcomer to the group. She also happens to be a trampy mean girl, who is determined to undermine Kim’s friendship with Abby, so she can become her new bestie. Feline is biding her time to come out of the closet, while Abby obsesses over Casper, her new boyfriend, whose family cabin they are borrowing. As for Kim, she is the sensitive one—and the claustrophobic one. Basically, Abby and Feline walk on eggshells around her, whereas Pippa goes out of her way to play with Kim’s head. It all sounds like typical teen angst, especially when a group of boys come over for a night of drinking, but then strange things start happening.

However, it sure takes long enough. It feels like forever before Vicious finally get going. Frankly, the film’s origins as a teen novel written by Mel Wallis de Vries are always conspicuous, because the violence is never worthy of a R-rating and the suspense is not very intense. Maybe it works better on the printed page, but on film, it is pretty easy to guess what is coming down the pike. Even more problematic, the not so surprising twist will leave most genre fans feeling colder than the frosty winds blowing around the Ardennes.

It is a shame Vicious is so by-the-numbers predictable, because Olivia Lonsdale as a real kick as the nasty scheming Pippa. You would never want to know her socially, but it is rather fun to watch her sneer and connive. Romy Gevers is quite a neurotic worrywart as Kim, but she also has her more forceful moments. Unfortunately, Abbey Hoes is rather dull and staggeringly unintuitive as her near-namesake Abby.

The truth is Vicious’s title promises more than it delivers. This film is about on par with Ten: Murder Island, Lifetime’s riff on And Then There Were None. It is certainly watchable, but not particularly memorable. A time killer at best for fans of teen horror, Vicious is now available on select VOD platforms, including iTunes.

Hoax: The Fur is Out There

Honestly, the one-minute Patterson-Gimlin film supposedly capturing Bigfoot out for a stroll ought to be in the National Film Registry, even though it is undoubtedly bogus. The salient point is how influential it has been. Decades later, it is still the best thing going for Sasquatch hunters, but a disgraced reality TV producer hopes to score a more conclusive scoop. Of course, he has no qualms about exploiting the mysterious disappearance of a group of horny teens in Matt Allen’s Hoax, which releases today on VOD.

Seriously, as soon as you start camping in the woods, horror movie rules immediately apply, so wandering off for a quick hook-up will get you killed every time. Unfortunately, the more responsible Alex Barnes vanished along with her randy friends, but her rugged outdoorsman father Cooper hasn’t given up looking for her. However, his resources are limited, so he accepts an offer to join the cast of Rick Paxton’s Bigfooting hunting series.

Primate vet Dr. Ellen Freese is also a little embarrassed to be part of the team, but she needed the money. John Singer is literally there for mercenary reasons, having been hired to protect the shows airhead host (and fiancée of the network president’s son), Bridgette Powers. As the party settles in, it becomes clear Cooper, Singer, and Freese are the three we have confidence in, whereas Paxton is absolute pond scum. They start to suspect the dirtbag producer is faking the weirdness in the woods, but we saw the opening prologue, so we know the danger is real.

The awkward truth is Bigfoot/Sasquatch movies are very much a hot-or-miss deal. The best of the lot approach the hairy beast in a decidedly idiosyncratic manner, like The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot and Stomping Ground, whereas more straight forward horror takes, such as Exists are rather mediocre. This is a case in point.

For the most part, Hoax is bland and unremarkable, but it has one thing going for it: considerable screen time for genre character actor Brian Thompson (who you might recognize as the head cultist in Cobra and the Alien Bounty Hunter on The X-Files). He is terrific as the steely, hardnosed Singer. Fans will also enjoy seeing Adrienne Barbeau pop up as Dr. Freese’s medical technician Wilma, even though it is a completely inconsequential role.

It is worth noting there is not much gore in first and second acts, but there is a sudden deluge in the last twenty minutes or so. Arguably, that is sign the film’s balance is off. Hoax earns some goodwill by reminding us of what a genre stalwart Thompson has been over the years, but then fritters it away with an ending that appears to be designed to incorporate as many unsatisfying horror clichés as was humanly possible. Not recommended, Hoax releases today on VOD.

Nuptial Horror: Camp Wedding

How does the prospect of spending a weekend with Bridezilla and a pack of serial hash-taggers sound? Do the words “kill me now” come to mind? Unfortunately, that is the whole idea. A destination wedding runs completely off the rails in Greg Emetaz’s Camp Wedding, which releases today on VOD, its natural home.

Camp Pocumtuck is like Camp Crystal Lake on bad karma steroids. It is built over a Native burial ground, near the site of historic witch burning. When it was last functioning as a proper summer camp, a little girl died because of the counselor’s abuse and negligence. However, it was available cheap, so Mia booked it for her destination wedding.

Her idea was to have a camp-themed wedding, with activities and a talent show. It all sounds truly awful, but it probably isn’t happening, because some strange unseen force starts luring members of the wedding party out into the dark. Once they are disposed of, the mystery grudge-holding power will post grotesque selfies of them on the social media feed for Mia’s wedding. If Mia, her groom Dalvero, and their friends could work together, they might have a prayer of surviving. Alas, that is highly unlikely, especially after Mia lets it slip that she only invited her old childhood chum Eileen by mistake.

Camp Wedding is funnier than most alleged horror comedies, but its skewering of the hyper-online Twitter generation is often a little too on-target. For the most part, these characters are unremittingly shallow and abrasive, but at least this way we really won’t mind when they wind up hanging from a tree.

Of course, the more outrageous their behavior, the better the scattergun humor works. Morgan McGuire and Adam Santos-Coy score a lot of laughs as Paulette, the groom’s misanthropic platonic bestie and Trask, a horndog groomsman. Frankly, David Pegram is a bit too normal as Dalvero and Kelly Gates is too realistically annoying as Mia. However, Wendy Jung upstages everyone and even manages to eke out some character development as the socially awkward but surprisingly resourceful Eileen.

There is definitely a ceiling on Camp Wedding’s commercial appeal, but it is tailor-made for the digital VOD market, after having enjoyed a credible run on the horror festival circuit. It lacks the in-your-face gore and subversiveness of the upcoming Ready or Not (apparently, this is a golden age for wedding horror movies), but if you think you will find it amusing, chances are your expectations will be satisfied. Recommended for genre fans who enjoy caustic attitudes as much as bloody mayhem, Camp Wedding releases today (8/20), on VOD platforms.

The Night Sitter: Old School Horror Comedy

Starting in the 1980s, most horror movies have been set in suburbia (or remote summer camps). That is because if you want to scare people, you have to go where they live. This is not Amber’s neighborhood, but she inadvertently put herself in the profoundly wrong place at the wrong time, when she accepted a baby-sitting gig for larcenous reasons. Much to her own surprise, she will do her best to protect her young charge in Abiel Bruhn & John Rocco’s The Night Sitter, which releases today on VOD.

Ted Hooper is a wealthy collector of occult relics, so you know he has more money than sense. Amber and her accomplices are sure they can plunder plenty from his spacious suburban home, while he is on his date. Heck, they are not even dead set on opening the conspicuously locked trophy room. On the other hand, Ronnie, the obnoxious son of Hooper’s girlfriend (also sleeping over) is curious enough for the entire group. Things will get tough for Ronnie, but it will actually be Hooper’s sensitive son Kevin who gets the fateful papercut on the pages of an infernal book of witches.

The situation soon gets downright Suspirious when the witches known as “The Three Mothers” start terrorizing the occupants of the Hooper house. Amber’s cronies are not much help, but at least Vincent, the Jack Black-like dude living across the street, has some insight into weird supernatural mumbo jumbo. Frankly, they are all pretty easy pickings for the witches, except for the resourceful Amber. Having bonded with Kevin before all the toil and trouble broke out, Amber scrambles to defend him from the literal forces of darkness.

For fans of vintage horror movies, Night Sitter is nostalgic in all the right ways. It mostly keeps its tongue planted in its cheek, but it still serves up plenty of mayhem and a fair amount of gore. Amber would not be out of place in the Scream franchise, but the rest of the characters would be more compatible with Dan O’Bannon’s classic Return of the Living Dead, which is quite august company, among horror comedies.

Elyse Dufour is terrific as Amber, making her the snarkiest, most confident potential final girl in recent memory. She also develops some nice on-screen chemistry with both Jack Champion and Ben Barlow, as Kevin and Vincent, respectively. However, Jermaine Rivers and Amber Neukum steal scene after scene as Rod, Amber’s horndog accomplice and Lindsey, his ditzy, soon-to-be-possessed girlfriend.

Bruhn & Rocco certainly do not reinvent the wheel, but they keep things zippy. Sitter is not as funny as Better Watch Out, an obvious comparison film, but its horror elements are arguably scarier. Regardless, it is all quite a bit of fun. Recommended for old school horror fans, The Night Sitter is now available on VOD platforms.