Red One, on Prime

According to scientists, polar bears really belong at the top of the planetary food chain, because so many of them have a taste for eating people. Therefore, a big talking polar bear like Agent Garcia ought to provide all the protection Santa Claus needs. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is also considered fairly formidable for a mere mortal. Yet, somehow the bad guys still kidnap Santa while both ELF (Enforcement, Logistics, and Fortification) Agents were on the job. Even though he is only human, Johnson’s Callum Drift won’t take this threat to Christmas laying down, so he decides to flip the clueless hacker who helped facilitate the crisis in Jake Kasdan’s Red One, which starts streaming today on Prime Video.

Agent Drift intends to retire after this Christmas, so you know what that always means: trouble. Masked mercs abduct Santa spiriting him away through a hole in the North Pole security system. Of course, a blame-America-first leftist like Tulsi Gabbard would say Santa was asking for it, because of his security arrangement with NATO. Regardless, it took some serious computing power to detect the secret location of Santa’s workshop, but Bah-humbugging black-hat and self-described bounty-hunter Jack O’Malley inadvertently supplied the necessary data by hacking national science networks.

To avoid further beatings from Drift, O’Malley agrees to work with ELF to follow the trail of his anonymous client, who turns out to Gryla, the Icelandic winter witch. As a former associate of Santa’s adopted brother Krampus, she always believed Santa was too lenient on the “naughty-listers,” like O’Malley. By stealing Santa’s powers, she intends to finally deal out the punishment she believes they richly deserve.

Chris Morgan’s screenplay cleverly incorporates a lot of slightly macabre Christmas lore, including Gryla and Krampus. However, Kiernan Shipka’s portrayal of the Christmas witch and the special effects surrounding her are consistently overshadowed by the more colorful characters. That definitely includes Kristofer Hivju’s imposing Krampus, who is more grouch than demon.

In truth, nobody is more colorful than J.K. Simmons, who looks quite fit—and even downright cut—as old kris. Frankly, he makes cookies and milk look a better muscle building supplement than any GNC powder. As usual, Simmons can land a sharp one-liner, but his sarcasm is gentler this time around—because he is Santa. He also develops great chemistry with Bonnie Hunt, who really should have had more screentime as Mrs. Claus.

Of course, the Rock does his thing, which includes milking Drift’s humorlessness for humor. Basically, Johnson acts like the film is titled The Fast and the Jolly, which should be totally fine with his fans. It is also nice to see Lucy Liu get to kick some butt to as Zoe Harlow, the chief of the clandestine MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority) agency. However, Chris Evans’ portrayal of O’Malley, the hacker and jerkweed absentee father, needed more charm and less smugness.

Of course, the real scene-stealer is Agent Garcia, played by Reinaldo Faberlle, whose brilliant character design resembles the Coca-Cola polar bear jacked up on steroids. Indeed, the art and design teams produced some fabulous sets and backdrops. The world-building is first-rate and the splashy fight scenes deliver the goods.

Even if some big-name cast-members are somewhat inconsistent, Red One still fully realizes its clever premise. Anna and the Apocalypse remains the best Christmas movie of this century, so far, but Kasdan and company provide brisk holiday laughs and thrills for most of the family, from probably tweeners on up. Recommended as some good, clean Christmas action, Red One starts streaming today (12/12) on Prime Video.