Love Hurts, Yeah Yeah

Marvin Gable was once a ruthless hitman/enforcer. Now he is a real estate agent. Many in New York would not draw much of an ethical distinction between the two, but there is a world of difference in Milwaukee. Regardless, Gable’s old life comes looking for him—on Valentine’s Day—in Jonathan Eusebio’s Love Hurts, which opens tomorrow in theaters.

Gable used to be his gangster brother Alvin “Knuckles” Gable’s chief assassin and leg-breaker. However, he has worked quietly for several years as a real estate agent, apparently keeping a low-profile, despite plastering his photo on bus stop ads and yard signs throughout the city. This February 14^th, he gets a Valentine from Rose Carlisle, as do all his former associates.

He was supposed to execute Carlisle and burry her in the quarry, but Gable let her go instead, because he was smitten. Now she is back, hoping to reclaim her life, under her real name. Obviously, Knuckles feels disappointed by his brother’s deception, so he sends “The Raven” to collect information regarding her whereabouts, which Gable does not yet know.

Fortunately, she will soon find him, before Knuckles’ large bench of colorful hired-killers track down either of them. M. Gable just wants Carlisle to disappear again for her own safety, but she insists on somehow righting past wrongs.

Ke Huy Quan is a real-deal accomplished martial artist, who has worked in the business as a professional fight coordinator (including choreographing scenes for the HK action movie The Avenging Fist). As a result, the many fight scenes are considerably more brutally realistic than you might expect. Arguably, this film might have played better if it had played it straight, because the comedy is meh.

The one-sheet proudly proclaims Love Hurt shares producers with Violent Night and Mr. Nobody, which probably means more to the Producer’s Guild than everyday viewers. Yet, in this case, it looks like the screenplay (credited to Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard, and Luke Passmore) was assembled out of outtakes from those two films.

There are some things that work well. Sean Astin (Quan’s co-star in The Goonies) is terrific as Gable’s supportive boss, Cliff Cussick. Quan himself has a lot of earnest charm, as well as impressive martial arts chops, as the new and improved Gable. However, the chemistry he shares with Ariana DeBose (as Carlisle) is tepid at best.

Unfortunately, many of the jokey attempts supporting characterization, like Raven the hitman who yearns to be “heard” as a poet and Otis, the henchman who keeps sending awkward texts to his separated wife in between hit job, feel overly familiar and rather forced. Frankly, the extended mileage the film tries to milk from the stunt in-joke casting of Drew Scott, one half of reality TV’s “Property Brothers,” as Gable’s realtor-rival, Jeff Zaks, says a lot about the level of the writing.

Honestly, Love Hurts pales when compared to Heart Eyes, which builds a genuine romantic rapport between its co-leads, while balancing genre thrills with affectionately knowing jokes. Quan has a lot of accumulated good will with the audience, but he is only one man. Admittedly, there is nothing about the film to hate or despise, but it just is not special enough for your Valentine’s date-night. Not recommended, Love Hurts opens tomorrow (2/7) in theaters.