Beware Boiuna: The Next Big Snake

Kaijumentalism is a weird manifestation of Hollywood environmentalism. It tells viewers to consider the big monster eating people a representation of nature’s grandeur, which must be preserved. Okay, but nobody can start buying carbon offsets from the stomach of a big snake. Frankly, it looks a lot safer to consume without regard for sustainability than to travel to the Amazon. You could ask the opinion of Alli’s colleagues, but you will find many of them in a mythical snake’s stomach or regurgitated in the rainforest. The snake will be well-fed in Mike P. Nelson’s Beware Boiuna, which opens this Friday in theaters.

Alli joined Dr. Miguel to do good. Her fellow med student Callum needed to tick the socially conscious community service box. Miguel operates a traveling clinic aboard a river boat that looks about as seaworthy as the African Queen. It is Lena’s job to hold the bucket of bolts together. She accepted the gig, because she is looking for her brother working in a deep off-the-books Amazonian lumber mill. Based on the prologue, his prognosis is not favorable.

There is a giant snake out there, whom the local indigenous people call Boiuna. Lena knows all about her, because she came from these parts—and would have never returned if not for her brother. Unfortunately, the more pressing problem for Alli and Lena is entirely human in nature. Brennan Malloy, a first world exploiter (just what he does is never fully explained, but he claims he is surveying for potential new highways, which would be useful infrastructure) has a bone to pick with them. They accidentally killed his creepy brother Shawn in self-defense. The women were reluctant to call the police, because Alli had been caught in the act, trying to cast the Good Ship Exploitation adrift, in an act of “rain forest defense.” Instead, they just dumped the body in the river and hoped for the best. Geez, where’s the Boiuna when they need her?

Needless to say, Nelson and co-screenwriters Tony Giglio and Alan McElroy’s attempts at consciousness raising are all pretty dumb. Fortunately, Nelson is much more dexterous handling the giant snake. The way Boiuna coils and slithers is really quite impressive. Nelson also shrewdly teases glimpses and partial views before revealing its full kaiju-esque glory.

Frankly, the snake is so well done, she compensates for the stupid people. Nelson also pulls a bit of a switcheroo, revealing the focal character might not be who we initially assume. It’s not like killing off Marion Crane in Psycho, but it’s something. Logan Marshall-Green (Pete Calvin in Marshals) also keeps the film lively with his distinctive portrayal of Malloy, who works through several distinct phases of grief and giant-snake-o-phobia.

Here's an idea: don’t go to the Amazon, at least not the “forbidden” sectors in Colombia—and stay out of the water. Regardless, when it comes to animal environmental advocates, Boiuna is no Smoky Bear. This is definitely a meathead movie, but for fans of the Anaconda franchise, its snake attacks will be much more satisfying than those in the meta-comedic reboot. Beware Boiuna is better than expected, but it can still probably safely wait for streaming. In the meantime, it opens Friday (10/2) in theaters, including the AMC Empire in New York.