Don’t Move, Co-Starring Rob Riggle

By now, The Quiet Place franchise should have viewers pretty well trained to not make noises around giant monster predators. In this case, it is technically vibrations that attract the over-sized arachnid, but the same precautions apply. Thanks to the spider thingy, Pastor Rizzo’s church trip takes a disastrous turn, but grieving Megan Forrester has still been on worse outings in Maclain Nelson’s Don’t Move, based on the novel by James “Impractical Jokers” Murray & Darren Wearmoth, which releases today on digital VOD.

Forrester witnessed the deaths of her husband and young son in an amusement park accident that Nelson depicts in surprisingly horrific terms. A year later, she remains in mourning and deeply depressed. Honestly, who can blame her? Yet, Pastor Rizzo keeps reaching out. He is so persistent, she agrees to join the church camping trip to Mark Twain National Forest.

The good Pastor (refreshingly, he really is good throughout this film) hopes the change of scenery will do her good. He can also use the additional participant. Turnout was light. Besides Forrester, it is just the Pastor, the Hank Hill-ish driver, Paul DeLuca, the Wrights and their grandson, Rizzo’s daughter Emma, her boyfriend Ryan Stark, and her ex, Ricky Vargas, who joined the trip as a means of safely smuggling heroin across state lines.

Of course, the killer spider will be a much bigger problem than the drugs. However, the friction between Vargas and Stark makes everything worse. On the plus side, they have Forrester, who maintains a clear head, probably because she has already seen far worse.

To their credit, as co-screenwriters. Murray, Wearmouth, and Nelson create stronger than average characters. Pastor Rizzo is an unusually sympathetic clergyman, especially for this genre. Tom Cavanagh (the star of Ed, the bowling alley lawyer dramedy, and the bad guy on The Flash) invests the Pastor with geeky earnestness that is quite endearing. Former Marine Rob Riggle also lands a number of Tim Allen-style laughs as DeLuca, the proud Walmart employee. Rapper Russell Vitale, a.k.a. just plain “Russ,” also brings a lot of energy playing the flawed but maybe redeemable Vargas.

The problem is Don’t Move takes far too long to get into gear. The ratio of screentime for the killer spider versus pitching tents and lighting campfires is frustratingly low. The ending is also absolutely ridiculous. Maybe it sounded funny to Maclain and company at the time, but it belly-flops on-screen.

Considerable effort was devoted to keeping Don’t Move grounded and relatable on a human level, which is great. Unfortunately, it neglects its core monster spider business, which is a problem. Just not sufficiently consistent or successful to recommend, Don’t Move releases today (10/13) on digital VOD.