Matchbox the Movie, on Apple TV+

Just imagine if this movie has 19 sequels, but would people still remember the band by then? They will remember the toys. There will always be a market for the matchbox-sized diecast cars, so there are plenty of adults who fondly remember collecting them, just like the characters of this film. Sorry, there are no animated vehicles. However, plenty of cars will drive fast and flip over in Sam Hargave’s Mattel-branded Matchbox the Movie, which premieres tomorrow on Apple TV+.

Sean Walker and his friends always used to meet in Aimee’s uncle’s garage to trade and race their Matchbox cars. However, Walker had to cut ties to the group, after he was recruiting by a super-secret black ops division of the CIA. Yet, rather fatefully, he hears of Uncle Smalley’s demise right after his overwatch handler orders him to lay low, following an unusually messy mission.

Walker can’t help paying his respects to Uncle Smalley, so he inevitably reconnects with the old gang. It is great until they are all drugged and renditioned by the CIA. Apparently, someone gave the Agency the mistaken notion Walker stole the warhead he just recovered from terrorists and they assume his old pals are his accomplices.

Of course, you can’t keep an operative like Walker chained up for long. Pretty quickly, he engineers the gang’s escape. Much to his frustration, they intend to tag-along and “help” as he works to re-acquire the warhead and clear their names. Fortunately, he knows some contacts who also want to avoid a catastrophic false flag terror attack, including Grigor, a peace-loving FSB agent.

That’s right. An FSB agent is a minor good guy in Matchbox, while all the bad guys are in-fighting CIA Officers. Again, what an insult to the memories of 141 CIA Officers who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Perhaps Hargrave and screenwriters David Coggeshall & Matt Westbrook have a seething hatred of the United States. Maybe they truly believe the FSB is a greater force for peace in the world than the CIA. However, that hardly seems likely for the average Matchbox afficionado. Seriously, what were Mattel, Apple, and Skydance thinking?

Previously, Hargrave helmed Extraction and its spectacular sequel Extraction 2. He balances the action and the humor reasonably dexterously. However, it is rather unsettling to see big, beefy Sean Walker fighting and killing his fellow black ops officers, even if they have “gone rogue.” Daniel Bernhardt (who co-starred in the Extraction sequel) still has the chops, so he makes a worthy foil for Walker. John Cena certainly knows how to fake fight and he forges some endearing chemistry with Jessica Biel, playing Aimee.

Argylle: Cats and Spies

You would think an espionage novelist like Elly Conway would be a dog person, rather than a cat lady. She leads a shier, quieter life than Joan Wilder in Romancing the Stone, even though she is so tuned into geopolitical realities, her novels have been described as prophetic, much like the techno-thrillers of Tom Clancy and David Hagberg. In fact, she her books have become a little too predictive for a shadowy SPECTRE-like organization in Matthew Vaughn’s Argylle, which opens Friday in theaters nationwide.

Conway does not get out much, but when she leaves home for a meeting (like this fateful day), she always brings her fat cat Alfie. She has a tailor-made argyle-print carrier for him, probably because Petco doesn’t have anything big enough for his plump rump. She will cling to his case for dear life while the mysterious Aidan rescues her from a train full of assassins. The shaggy stranger is nothing like suave fictional Agent Argylle, whom we see in action during fantasy segments and book-readings, as well as when he reassures the neurotic Conway, in her mind’s eye.

At least Aidan claims to be a fan—and a real spy. According to him, an international spy outfit (much like Citadel) just turned to the dark side, exactly like the plot twist of her latest novel. Unfortunately, she ended it with a cliffhanger, which nobody likes, especially not KAOS or THRUSH. He needs her to come up with a real ending to foil the bad guys, but it will not be that simple.

Weirdly, there are a lot of similarities between Argylle and Citadel, but it would be spoilery for both to explain how. Regardless, they are worlds apart in terms of tone. Argylle always goes for laughs and it is not afraid to lean in slapstick. To their credit, some of Aidan’s early fight scenes are impressively choreographed, but they grow increasingly outlandish and silly.

Screenwriter Jason Fuchs throws one crazy plot twist after another at the audience, but the head-spinning revelations are all part of the winking fun. This movie can be a lot, but it knows and appreciates the genre it is spoofing. Plus, it has Alfie, who gets a lot of laughs, even though Chip (the cat who plays him) gives the film’s most deadpan performance.

One of the film’s pleasant surprises is the facility for broad, physical comedy Sam Rockwell shows as Aidan. Fans know he can be sarcastic, but here he gets to act loopy and rubber-boned—and it largely suits him. Bryce Dallas Howard cannot really match his energy as Conway. However, the film as a wealth colorful supporting players, like Bryan Cranston and Catherine O’Hara, who chew the scenery like a Five Guys Burger, as the villainous Ritter and Conway’s overbearing mother.