A Gangster’s Kiss, Co-Starring John Hannah & Patsy Kensit

Blokey Jack is making a bigger mistake than Shelley Long when he decides to leave his EastEnders-like TV series to make movies. Planning to appear in a gangster film, he starts researching the role by shadowing his old school pal Danny, who works as an enforcer for his crime-boss uncle, Don. What could wrong? Judging from the body they are burying in the in media res prologue, plenty. There is no shortage of mayhem but the comedy is not so funny in Ray Burdis’s A Gangster’s Kiss, which releases today in some markets on VOD.

This will be the worst internship ever. Old Jack was just supposed to keep his head down and his mouth shut. Unfortunately, Mus, one of three sort of Turkish brothers supplying drugs to Don’s operation, recognizes Jack and wants to strike up a friendship with the minor celebrity. The actor tries to decline his advances diplomatically, but fails spectacularly. Suddenly, a gang war threatens to erupt in London—and it will mostly be his fault.

There is no question much of the film was cast in hopes of appealing to late-1980s/early-1990s nostalgia. There is Patsy Kensit (Lethal Weapon 2, Absolute Beginners) appearing as Don’s lawyer, Crassus, whose tough-luck counsel seems more likely to inspire turning state’s evidence than maintaining the code of silence.

John Hannah (Four Weddings and a Funeral) bizarrely plays Mus’s brother Mem, who sports an eye-patch, peg leg, and a hook for a hand. At least Martin Kemp (The Krays and Spandau Ballet videos) understands how to ham it up without overindulging in schtick as cranky Uncle Don.

Genesis: The Singularity Get Biblical

By now, we know any post-apocalyptic shelter named “Eden” will be anything but. The Biblical references will not stop there. It is 2067 and humanity isn’t quite dead enough, so we will go ahead and hasten the Singularity to finish the job in Freddie Hutton-Mills & Bart Ruspoli’s people-hating Genesis (trailer here), which releases today on DVD.

Paul Brooks earnestly tries hold the last dregs of human civilization together as the civilian proles’ official liaison to the Eden government, but he is losing heart. The government elites keep slashing rations, even though they still eat quite well themselves. Like Marie Antoinette, they treat the “Civvies” like dirt, insisting they do nonsensical “punishment duty” for minor infractions. Basically, this entails walking around outside, until their environmental suits start losing their integrity. You’d think they would just stand still, to cause less wear and tear, but they can’t help wandering off. Periodically, some sort of environmental death ray flares up, forcing them to take shelter in rusted-out cars. Considering how many wrecked jalopies are out there, you’d think they could use them to build a bigger base.

Dr. Eve Gabriel (her name is a double-whammy) still has hope—and he is named Abel (seriously). That is the AI android built with technology developed by her late husband. It/he also happens to be the spitting image of the robotics scientist. Dr. Gabriel hopes that Abel will be able to forage for food and potentially scout for other human survivors, because he can walk around the post-apocalyptic surface without a hazmat suit. Yet, as Abel learns more about human nature and starts thinking for himself, the implications become rather awkward for Team Eden.

Why do Hutton-Mills & Ruspoli hate their fellow humankind so much, they want to eradicate us as a species? Frankly, the theme that humanity has become too sick to merit survival has become alarmingly prevalent in science fiction and end-of-the-world films in recent years. Okay, so maybe people hate Trump, but killing us off as a species definitely seems like overkill.

In this case, Genesis is not just rehashing a particularly problematic theme. It is basically cobbled together from bits and pieces cast-off from dozens of more accomplished sf films. A particular head-slapper is the big revelation that comes midway through. We won’t be outright spoilery, but as a hint, it was probably lifted from the original Bladerunner.

Compared to Genesis, Singularity (with John Cusack) is still complete junk. This film has a boatload of issues, but it benefits tremendously from the reassuring presence of John Hannah. He has a lot of accrued good will from Four Weddings and a Funeral and The Mummy franchise. In fact, Hannah is terrific doing the post-apocalyptic thing in the honestly entertaining Gina Carano vehicle, Scorched Earth, but we can only follow him so far here.

Likewise, Olivia Grant is considerably better than this movie deserves as Dr. Gabriel, who has quite a developmental arc. For what it’s worth, Warren Brown is also decently nefarious as Sec. Jordan Ainsley. Unfortunately, Chiké Okonkwo takes the vaguely sketched Abel and makes him almost impossibly boring, for a genocidal machine.

This is bad future speculation, bad character development, and bad world-building. Yet, the conclusion promises (threatens) more to come. As armchair futurologists, our analysis says a Genesis sequel (probably to be titled Revelations) is highly unlikely. Not recommended, Genesis releases today on DVD.

Scorched Earth: Gina Carano, Bounty Hunter

In the post-apocalyptic future, the West will be Old again. Bounty-hunter Attica Gage rides out of New Montana, tracking down outlaws for money and silver, the key ingredient for life-preserving air filters. Gage goes undercover in Elijah Jackson’s decency-defying enclave of outlaws for the sake of bounties, but she will stay to extract some old school vengeance in Peter Howitt’s Scorched Earth (trailer here), which releases in select theaters and on iTunes this Friday.

In the future, water and silver are the most precious commodities on Earth, whereas oil is not in such demand anymore ever since motor vehicles were banned to prevent any further warming emissions. There are still idiots driving around out there, like the first loser-bounty we see Gage collar. Her second will be much tougher prey. Initially, she is disappointed she had to kill the notorious Chavo, resulting in an automatic halving of the bounty, but since they are roughly the same build, it allows her to “safely” assume the outlaw’s identity to infiltrate Jackson’s bandit town. Okay, so it really isn’t such a safe scheme. Her mentor, Doc, a former bounty hunter slowed by age and injury, is dead set against, but she goes in anyway.

Scorched Earth serves up a fair amount of B-movie fun, but it never fully capitalizes on Gina Carano’s muay thai and mixed martial arts chops. Currently, she is perched somewhere between an “A” and “B” list action star, because she has the skills and the presence, but she has yet to truly score a breakout role. This isn’t it either, but it is still amusing to see her riffing on Spaghetti Western tropes (she even drags a coffin behind her horse during the opening sequences).

Weirdly, Carano’s best fight scene comes early on, when she faces off against Luvia Petersen’s Chavo. Frankly, as villains go, Jackson and his chief henchman Leer are pretty blah (whereas Chavo had some flair). However, one of the most appealing aspects of the film is the platonic teacher-protégé relationship shared by Gage and Doc. John Hannah (from Four Weddings and a Funeral) is drily sardonic and pleasantly understated as the gun-slinging sawbones (“doctor” would be too strong a word for him).

Howitt previously directed Hannah in Sliding Doors, the re-conception of Kieslowski’s Blind Chance, featuring Gwyneth Paltrow, which in terms of time and tone seems so long ago and so far away from Scorched. However, we have to give him credit for staging a nifty climatic shootout.

For Carano fans and connoisseurs of day-and-date action movie releases, Scorched Earth is likely to become a familiar guilty pleasure. It is far from transcendent, but it delivers what it promises and should wear well over time. Recommended as a VOD indulgence, Scorched Earth hits theaters and iTunes this Friday (2/2).