It
will confirm the suspicions of parents who survived the Cabbage Patch riots of
the early 1980s to learn those dolls were part of an evil scheme. Technically,
these moppets are not called “Cabbage Patch Kids,” but the resemblance is
striking. In all fairness, said dolls are all sweetness and innocence, but they
come from a sinister factory. They are also flesh-and-blood, most of the time.
One such doll will try to escape his evil overlord in Craig Goodwill’s
self-consciously strange Patch Town (trailer here), which opens
tomorrow in New York.
Once
upon a time, so to speak, Gregor, a well-meaning but short-sighted Russian
inventor discovered there were real babies growing in his cabbage patch. He
tried to adopt each and every one of them, causing considerable resentment with
his biological son Yuri, but the volume was too great for him. Logically, he
invented a machine that temporarily transformed the babies into dolls that were
subsequently sent out into the world until they can be safely reclaimed.
Tragically, Gregor soon dies, leaving the leaf babies entrusted to the cruel
Yuri (a.k.a. Child Catcher). Yuri does indeed retrieve the dolls as the little
girls they were entrusted to grow and forget about childish things, forcing the
re-animated cherubs to toil in his Orwellian doll factory.
Jon
and Mary are two such doll prols. They are timid by nature, yet they still
managed to adopt a little baby girl, in clear violation of Patch Town law,
because they are so full of love. When Yuri ominously sniffs them out, the terrified
new parents have to make a break for our world. During the escape coordinated
by Sly, the dodgy people trafficker and part-time department store Santa’s elf,
Jon’s repressed memories come flooding back. He becomes convinced Bethany, the little
girl he knew as his “mother” can help if he can find her.
So
yeah, Patch Town sounds like a cult
film to beat the band, which is why it is so annoying that it never takes
flight. Did we mention it is also a musical? It sort of is, but you will be
hard-pressed to remember any of the tunes. The film apparently assumes the very
fact that they are there is enough. Goodwill’s screenplay, co-written with
Christopher Bond and Trevor Martin is even more problematic. Despite the
strange universe they create, the narrative follows a disappointingly
predictable pattern, with learning moments inserted in exactly the spots
screenwriting handbooks say they should go.
With
their rosy cheeks, Rob Ramsey and Stephanie Pltiladis look perfect as Jon and
Mary, but they are wilting roses on the screen. As Yuri (and Gregor), Julian
Richings looks like he is trying to bulge his eyes so far out, he might have a
stroke at any time. At least Zoie Palmer stays grounded and shows a respectable
range as Jon’s grown mother, Bethany. Still, Suresh John’s Sly is the real
saving grace, cutting through the film’s self-seriousness and heavy-handed
messaging with tartly delivered sarcasm.
