Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Titanic 666, on Tubi

If a cruise line built a perfect facsimile Titanic, it would have to be a Chinese company. Replicas are a big thing there and the necessary hubris requires a company like Evergrande. Regardless of ownership, a brand-new Titanic sets sail for a special maiden voyage to the waters where its namesake sunk. If that sounds like bad karma to you, the angry spirits that are raised from the dead totally agree in Nick Lyon’s Titanic 666, which premieres this Friday on Tubi.

Titanic 666
was produced by the Asylum, so you should know the sort of exploitative cashing-in to expect. Still, just seeing them completely trash the ending of the 1997 Oscar winner in its nutty prologue is worth something. The action then flashes forward to modern times, as the Titanic III is about to set sail. The layout and d├ęcor completely match its historical namesake, but the structure and engineering are all completely modern. Supposedly, this one won’t sink, but haven’t we heard that before?

To be fair, the engineers never anticipated a nameless stowaway sneaking on-board, to invoke the ghost of her great-grandfather, Captain Edward Smith, through a satanic ritual (honestly, nobody would blame the Smith family if they were to file suit against the film). Suddenly, he and other ghosts of the original Titanic’s victims are wreaking havoc on the ship’s systems and preying on its most obnoxious passengers. Married social media influencers Mia and Jackson Stone easily take that cake, but Prof. Hal Cochran, a purveyor of dodgy Titanic artifacts is not far behind them.

The only reason to see
Titanic 666 is to verify whether it really is what it purports to be. It is indeed, so there you go. Frankly, it is a relief when the Titanic ghosts kill the Stones. Cochran’s involvement with the company’s hotshot security specialist doesn’t really make any sense (why does he need cover from him, when he already has permission to hawk his wares), but whatever.

For what it’s worth, Keesha Sharp is credibly professional as Captain Celeste Rhoades and AnnaLynne McCord gets a few laughs as the all-too-believably shallow Mia Stone. It is also almost an interesting choice to turn the mercenary Cochran into the film’s protagonist—almost.

To be fair, I’d rather re-watch
Titanic 666 than the James Cameron film. The ship’s interiors look better than you might expect, but apparently the Asylum did their best to cut costs associated with screenplay development. Obviously, Titanic 666 really isn’t recommended, but that hardly matters when it debuts this Friday (4/15) on Tubi.