Down Cemetery Road, on Apple TV+

Where are Inspector Morse and Inspector Lewis when we need them? A house blows up in Oxford but the local police barely bother to notice. Admittedly, the UK deep state (which can’t be bothered to prosecute Chinese spies) does everything possible to block their investigation. That leaves a neurotic art restoration technician and cynical private detective to crack the case in creator Morwenna Banks’ eight-episode Down Cemetery Road, based on Mick Herron’s novel, which is now streaming on Apple TV+.

Just down the street (presumably, it must be on Cemetery Road) a house blows up, just while Sarah Trafford’s conspicuously desperate husband Mark tries to butter-up a skeptical wealthy client. Despite several fatalities, young Dinah survived the inferno—and then she disappeared. Nobody seems to know anything, least fo all the police, so she hires Joe Silverman to track her down. Weirdly and tragically, he kills himself shortly thereafter. Of course, Trafford is skeptical, while Silverman’s partner and philandering wife Zoe Boehm is even more so.

Of course, they team-up as an odd couple, to battle the sinister assassin brothers contracted by Hamza, a nebbish intelligence officer tasked with covering up a disastrous chemical weapons program. It was a rather unsavory experiment that used enlisted British soldiers as guinea pigs. Downey was one of them. He also happens to be Dinah’s uncle and possibly Trafford’s other ally. If exposed, the top secretoperation could be a three-alarm scandal, but Hamza’s abusive boss “C” would still rather humiliate him then offer constructive leadership.

It is surprising that the wickedly smart Slow Horses series was also based on Herron’s novels, because Cemetery Road always takes the most obvious, least surprising fork in the road. Frankly, eight episodes of Boehm bickering with Trafford and C berating Hamza is punishingly excessive. At most, this story could have been better translated as a TV-movie, but even that would have been wholly unnecessary.

Instead, we have schtick all over the place, starting with Emma Thompson’s intermittently amusing Philip Marlowe act. Ruth Wilson’s chronic breakdowns grow increasingly tiresome, but she certainly dispels all memories of her femme fatal glory in Luther while portraying Trafford.

Poor Adeel Akhtar triples and then quadruples down on cringe as pathetic Hamza, while Darren Boyd’s C is a one-note, one-joke caricature. However, Adam Godley appealingly plays Silverman with dry, world-weary wit, so it is a shame his character dies so early. (He is also a jazz fan, so we hear some good music during his short screen life.)

The worst part about Cemetery Road is that any grown-up who has seen any movies or episodic television knows exactly where Banks is headed, yet she takes eight cliché-ridden episodes to get there. Indeed, to paraphrase Lindsey Buckingham, it is a long, long, long way down Cemetery Road. Frankly the lack of surprise undermines the suspense, while the humor hits like a two-by-four across your face. Not recommended, Down Cemetery Road is now streaming on Apple TV+.