Blokey Jack is making a bigger mistake than Shelley Long when he decides to leave
his EastEnders-like TV series to make movies. Planning to appear in a
gangster film, he starts researching the role by shadowing his old school pal
Danny, who works as an enforcer for his crime-boss uncle, Don. What could
wrong? Judging from the body they are burying in the in media res prologue, plenty.
There is no shortage of mayhem but the comedy is not so funny in Ray Burdis’s A
Gangster’s Kiss, which releases today in some markets on VOD.
This
will be the worst internship ever. Old Jack was just supposed to keep his head
down and his mouth shut. Unfortunately, Mus, one of three sort of Turkish
brothers supplying drugs to Don’s operation, recognizes Jack and wants to
strike up a friendship with the minor celebrity. The actor tries to decline his
advances diplomatically, but fails spectacularly. Suddenly, a gang war threatens
to erupt in London—and it will mostly be his fault.
There
is no question much of the film was cast in hopes of appealing to late-1980s/early-1990s
nostalgia. There is Patsy Kensit (Lethal Weapon 2, Absolute Beginners)
appearing as Don’s lawyer, Crassus, whose tough-luck counsel seems more likely
to inspire turning state’s evidence than maintaining the code of silence.
John
Hannah (Four Weddings and a Funeral) bizarrely plays Mus’s brother Mem,
who sports an eye-patch, peg leg, and a hook for a hand. At least Martin Kemp (The
Krays and Spandau Ballet videos) understands how to ham it up without
overindulging in schtick as cranky Uncle Don.
These retired mercs fancy themselves the old-timer version of “The Wild Geese,”
which is saying something, considering how haggard the hard-living Richard Burton
and Richard Harris looked in that 1978 movie. The crusty old Londoners are
probably twenty years older, but they look healthier. That is fortunate,
because they will have some work cut out for them in Daniel Zirilli’s Renegades,
which releases tomorrow on VOD.
Maj.
Carver just moved his former subordinate Burton off the streets and into his
home, because the veteran officer never leaves one of his men behind. Carver is
pretty American-sounding, but his daughter is all British. Judy Carver was even
elected a local councilor. In representing her district, she made trouble with
the cops for Anthony Goram’ criminal outfit. Carver intended to warn off the
interloping foreign (from parts undefined) gangster, but his thugs killed the
Major instead.
Obviously,
Burton and Carver’s old comrades (and fellow support group members) Peck,
Woody, and Harris do not take kindly to that, so they round up all the weapons they
can scrounge (including a crossbow) to take the fight to Goram. They do a
pretty good job of it, especially since Inspector Moore (who is investigating
their mayhem) has to call in favors from her CIA contact (a cameo appearance
for Michael Pare) to figure out what is going on.
That
is pretty much all there is to Renegades, which wouldn’t be so bad, if
Zirilli’s direction were smoother. His strictly dramatic scenes have an awkwardness
that must embarrass his experienced cast, especially the great Lee Majors, who
brings a gravitas to the film that it doesn’t deserve, as the Major. As Judy
Carver, Patsy Kensit (from Lethal Weapon 2 and Angels and Insects)
is stuck in several dull scenes opposite Nick Moran’s impassive Burton that must
have been a chore for them to plod through.
