So
much for truth in advertising. Tom Six’s third go-round stitching together poor
hapless victims, throat-to-butt, claims to be “100% politically incorrect,” but
nothing could be farther from the truth. Take for instance the setting: “George
W. Bush Prison” in East Jesus, Texas. Unfortunately for viewers, Six
desperately wants to be considered “relevant” as a satirist, but he just isn’t
funny. However, what is really unforgivable is the baffling lack of scatological
grotesqueness in Six’s Human Centipede 3
(Final Sequence) (trailer
here),
which opens this Friday in New York.
The
narrative, such as it is, follows screechy prison warden Bill Boss as he
sexually harasses his secretary Daisy, bullies his bean-counter Dwight Butler,
and wages open warfare against his heavily tattooed gang-member inmates. Boss
has embarrassed the politically ambitious Governor Hughes once too often. If he
cannot restore order to the prison in one week, Hughes will give him the axe.
Fear not, Butler has a perfectly logical solution. Form the inmates into a
Human Centipede, just like in Six’s movies. In fact, Six will pop in
meta-style, to offer his advice.
Frankly,
‘pede-3 really should have been
grosser and gorier, because at least that way it would have been something.
Instead, Six tries to make a comedy, but it is deafeningly unfunny. Absolutely
nothing lands here. You really have to wonder what was going through Dieter
Laser’s head as he raged and mugged as the horrendously loud and annoying Boss.
Did he ever ask Six: “Is this funny? Is this really working?” Whatever the
director might have said, the answer is a resounding “no.” As a result, it is truly embarrassing to
watch Laser face-plant time after time. Seriously, his bulging eyes and
schticky twitching are so over-the-top, it is like he is trying to be Meryl
Streep on a bad day.
Honest
to goodness, there is only one solitary dry chuckle in the whole film, earned
by Clinton Rohner’s understated delivery as the unlicensed prison physician.
However, it is still deeply depressing to see the G vs. E star mired in this muck. Sadder still, HC3 probably represents the dumbest, most underwritten film of
pornstar Bree Olson’s career. Yet somehow Eric Roberts manages to skate through
relatively cleanly as the governor. Say what you will, that man works a lot. If
you don’t like him here, wait a few weeks and watch him play the mayor in LA Slasher.
