The Outlaws, Co-Starring Eric Roberts as Bloody Tom

What is the representative national food of Finland? Ruisleipa rye bread? Does that make this a Ruisleipa Western? Regardless, even though it was shot in the U.S., this film might have more Finnish crew in its closing credits than any other Western you might have seen. It also has Eric Roberts as a villain. That is definitely something. Bloody Tom waits for the third act to make his grand entrance, but he lives up to his name in Joey Palmroos (Finnish) & Austen Paul’s The Outlaws, which releases Friday on VOD.

Four hard-bitten outlaws just pulled off a daring train robbery, but the getaway will be the tricky part. They ditched their horses to mislead the posse, but they might just kill each other waiting for the boss, Bloody Tom, to bring fresh mounts. Or maybe they won’t. Palmroos, Paul, and co-screenwriter Anders Holmes (Danish) show viewers what could have happened, in between the various characters’ flashbacks.

John “JT” Tulsa, whom nobody really believes hails from Oklahoma, has good reason to keep his past secret. Henriette Parker is probably the craziest of the bunch, but we come to understand how life as a female outlaw took its toll on her emotional stability. William Higgins is supposedly the other “Wild Bill,” but he too carries a lot of baggage. Despite his prosthetic leg, Boone Collins is a creepy sociopath, so yeah for representation.

As B-movie Westerns go, the generically titled Outlaws is appealingly gritty and competently executed. It leans a little too heavily on the flashbacks, but whatever. Roberts is reliably and charismatically crafty as Bloody Tom, like you would expect. Celeste Wall and Jonathan Peacy are also both appropriately fierce and nutty.

Obviously, Outlaws is all about the villains—its right there in the title. However, Dallas Hunt offers a nicely understated counterpoint, as Tulsa, who is the closest thing the film has to a good guy. Plus, Sterling Scott has some interesting moments as the Preacher in Tulsa’s flashbacks.

Death on the Border, Co-Starring Eric Roberts & Danny Trejo

You might not think there would be much crime around the border, since Kamala Harris is our super-efficient and proactive “Border Czar,” but somehow, there is. Many of the “undocumented immigrants” smuggled across the border by coyotes are, in fact, victims of human trafficking. Det. John Boone and his former partner Det. John Watson were paid to look the other way, but the cartel has inevitably demanded they take a more active role. Their disgusted former lovers are not having it anymore in screenwriter-director Wendy Wilkins’ Death on the Border, which opens this Friday.

At least Boone is an old charmer (you can tell, because Eric Roberts plays him). According to Rhonda, being with him had its benefits (you know). It does not seem the same can be said for Watson, Maddy’s ex. Presumably, Maddy did not know their connection when Rhonda happens to pull her over along a lonely stretch of desert highway. However, she leaves the soon-to-be ex-cop enough clues to figure it out, after she knocks Rhonda unconscious and stuffs her in the trunk of her own cruise.

After an introduction like that, Rhonda is strangely willing to join Maddy’s war against the cartel and the pair of crooked cops. Every time they rescue a shipment of young girls, they deliver them to kindly Father Francis. Figuring out what to do with them long-term is sometimes tricky, because in some cases, it was their own parents who sold them to the traffickers. Of course, their success rescuing victims forces the cartel to put the squeeze on Boone and Watson.

It is a shame Death at the Border is not a better film, because border security and human trafficking are deadly serious issues. It starts with the slapdash screenplay, which has serious logical issues. Explaining why characters do certain things at certain times would take a great deal of contortionism. It also seems like Wilkins just grafted on some faith-oriented dialogue, just to appeal to fans of Price of Freedom (granted, that admittedly makes a lot of sense).

Maximum Impact: The FSB and the Secret Service, Working Together

You would think the U.S. Secret Service would more likely deal with the Russian Federal Protective Service (FSO) than the FSB, the cosmetically revamped successor to the KGB, if it were tasked with protecting a top secret summit in Moscow. However, the FSB needs more good press, so Russian D-minus-list action star Alexander Nevsky duly plays a FSB agent in his latest outing. This time, he gets to partner up with Kelly Hu, but she can’t redeem Andrzej Bartkowiak’s Maximum Impact (trailer here), which opens today in select theaters.

Maxim Kadurin is built like a tank, but he is actually a FSB computer jockey supporting the deceptively small of stature Andrei Durov, a.k.a. “The Hammer from Hell.” However, a concussion forces the agents to swap roles right before the arrival of the American Secretary of State for a double-secret gab session with his counterpart. However, Sec. Jacobs’ granddaughter Brittany manages to stowaway on the State Department plane, so she can rendezvous with her internet flirtation, a Russian boy band idol.

When Kadurin foils an assassination attempt, the shticky pack of fedora wearing villains fall back on an improvised plan B: kidnapping the granddaughter. Since the two airheaded kids are weirdly competent at avoiding detection, it leads to much certainty regarding her status and safety. Fearing the worst, Kadurin and Secret Service Agent Kate Desmond to find and secure the wayward granddaughter before their bosses know she is missing.

Nevsky might be well-connected in Russia (he also represents the country in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association), but his films just are not catching on anywhere else. To be fair, Showdown in Manila is not terrible, but Black Rose was just a lifeless mess. He is not totally unlikable on-screen, but comedy is clearly a challenge for him. That is a real problem, because the jokes and gags are much higher in Impact’s mix than it was for his prior films.

Kelly Hu gets to do a lot of kick-boxing to the extent of almost eclipsing Nevsky as the film’s primary action lead. On the other hand, she has to suffer the indignity of a bleach blond bowl-cut disguise. However, that is nothing compared to humiliating shtick forced on Mark Dacascos, playing Tony Lin, a former Z-list TV star now fronting the gang of mercenaries. However, there is plenty of additional embarrassment to go around, including Tom Arnold playing a senior Secret Service agent obsessed with his prostate and Bai Ling as Scanlon, the over-sexed Under-Secretary for Security. Only Eric Roberts seems to glide through unfazed as Sec. Jacobs.

Take it from someone who appreciates a scrappy B-movie: this is just a bad film. It is more like an employment project for Nevsky’s contacts than something anyone should actually watch. As a cinematographer, Bartkowiak shot classics like The Verdict and Prizzi’s Honor, but his work as a director has been less auspicious. Yet, in this case, most of the creative decisions were most likely out of his control. Not recommended, Maximum Impact opens somewhere today (9/28) and hits VOD next Tuesday (10/2).

DWF ’17: Lore

We tend to idealize Native legends in a hippy-dippy New Agey in-tune-with-nature kind of way. That sort of thinking will get you killed in these mountains. Ann and Rich’s son Eric was not the first teen to go missing in these parts, but her maternal connection tells her he is still up there somewhere. The freshly divorced parents are sure to find something when they head up the mountain in Christian Larsen & Brock Manwill’s Lore (trailer here), which screens during this year’s Dances with Films.

Apparently, Eric did not take his parents split well, so he retreated into the woods to have himself a long think. When he failed to emerge, Sheriff Paul and his men thoroughly searched their face of the mountain and the tribal police handled their side, but no trace was found. They assume (and hope) Eric is actually a runaway, but Ann’s dreams tell her differently. Eventually, Rich reluctantly agrees to one more private search, with John, the Native American guide recommended by their pastor. Of course, as soon as they get a fair distance into the woods, they start hearing eerie sounds. It soon becomes clear something is trying to scare them off, but it only spurs Ann to continue forward with more urgency.

Aesthetically and temperamentally, Lore is a betwixt-and-between sort of film. Yes, there is definitely something in those woods. Larsen & Manwill certainly do not want viewers to get too comfortable, but they are still obviously more interested in their character study of the grieving parents. Lyndsey Lantz and Max Lesser are quite good as the divorced couple, suggesting all kinds of shared history, still remembered grievances, and lingering affection. Sean Wei Mah also has real presence and outdoorsy cred as John. As a further plus, it is always cool to see Eric “Work Ethic” Roberts do his thing as reasonable Sheriff Paul (his early scene in Lore was probably the fifth film he shot that day).

However, there is no getting around the fact Larsen & Manwill over-promise and under-deliver in the mythical beast department. They also drop some monster “lore” that they never circle back to. Still, most viewers will get sucked into the couple’s tragic drama regardless of their expectations (it is worth noting DWF did not program Lore for their midnight section, so we can’t fault their positioning).

In fact, Lore is a well-made, finely acted film, but it will be a challenge finding the right audience for it. Lantz and Lesser deserve particular shout-outs, but it should be readily admitted Roberts quite good in his umpteenth guest star-walk-on appearance. Recommended for those who like their genre films restrained and brooding, Lore screens Tuesday (6/6), as part of this year’s Dances with Films, in Hollywood, USA.

Human Centipede 3: Only the Victims are in Stitches

So much for truth in advertising. Tom Six’s third go-round stitching together poor hapless victims, throat-to-butt, claims to be “100% politically incorrect,” but nothing could be farther from the truth. Take for instance the setting: “George W. Bush Prison” in East Jesus, Texas. Unfortunately for viewers, Six desperately wants to be considered “relevant” as a satirist, but he just isn’t funny. However, what is really unforgivable is the baffling lack of scatological grotesqueness in Six’s Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) (trailer here), which opens this Friday in New York.

The narrative, such as it is, follows screechy prison warden Bill Boss as he sexually harasses his secretary Daisy, bullies his bean-counter Dwight Butler, and wages open warfare against his heavily tattooed gang-member inmates. Boss has embarrassed the politically ambitious Governor Hughes once too often. If he cannot restore order to the prison in one week, Hughes will give him the axe. Fear not, Butler has a perfectly logical solution. Form the inmates into a Human Centipede, just like in Six’s movies. In fact, Six will pop in meta-style, to offer his advice.

Frankly, ‘pede-3 really should have been grosser and gorier, because at least that way it would have been something. Instead, Six tries to make a comedy, but it is deafeningly unfunny. Absolutely nothing lands here. You really have to wonder what was going through Dieter Laser’s head as he raged and mugged as the horrendously loud and annoying Boss. Did he ever ask Six: “Is this funny? Is this really working?” Whatever the director might have said, the answer is a resounding “no.”  As a result, it is truly embarrassing to watch Laser face-plant time after time. Seriously, his bulging eyes and schticky twitching are so over-the-top, it is like he is trying to be Meryl Streep on a bad day.

Honest to goodness, there is only one solitary dry chuckle in the whole film, earned by Clinton Rohner’s understated delivery as the unlicensed prison physician. However, it is still deeply depressing to see the G vs. E star mired in this muck. Sadder still, HC3 probably represents the dumbest, most underwritten film of pornstar Bree Olson’s career. Yet somehow Eric Roberts manages to skate through relatively cleanly as the governor. Say what you will, that man works a lot. If you don’t like him here, wait a few weeks and watch him play the mayor in LA Slasher.

While it was certainly not a masterpiece, the first Human Centipede was an effective mad scientist film in its own defiant way. This film is simply not funny—period, end of story. Nor does it try to fulfill any traditional horror movie functions. There is just a lot of Laser yelling at the camera. It is sort of like watching Gilbert Gottfried playing Richard Nixon in Secret Honor, without any sense of irony. Not recommended for genre fans or even viewers who enjoyed the previous two films, Human Centipede 3 opens this Friday (5/22) in New York, at the IFC Center.

SOHO ’15: Leaves of the Tree

An ailing patent attorney is about to take the Mediterranean Diet one step further. He might have heard about the benefits of olive oil, but it is the leaves that can really work miracles. Of course, they are not just from any olive tree. They are from the olive tree. Even lawyers and pharmaceutical executives will start to have faith in Ante Novakovic’s Leaves of the Tree (trailer here), which screens during the 2015 SOHO International Film Festival.

Retirement seems inevitable for Patrick Messina, since his ticker is even less reliable than Fred Sanford’s. He has already turned over most of his cases to his partner, Joe Buffa (great name), but he is keeping one. His Big Pharma client has been approached by the mysterious Sicilian, Dr. Ferramonti, who can document the healing powers of an ancient olive tree on his estate. If Messina’s client can isolate the miraculous active ingredient, they can save vast numbers of life and make a good chunk of change. Once they do that, Messina can start drafting up papers or something, but until then, he and his wife Sweetness will enjoy living the good life in Ferramonti’s villa.

Ironically, only Messina’s daughter Danielle seems to be doing any work on this trip. She is just a research intern at the company, but she is the one putting in all the lab time. The company president also made the trip, but she will get distracted by Hank, Ferramonti’s houseguest and self-appointed guardian of the tree. He’s sort of a cross-between Kato Kaelin and a Templar Knight. However, he will have to get serious when a hardline faction within the Vatican makes a play to control access to the tree.

What this film needs is more Joe Buffa, because he is played by Armand Assante, who always commands the screen. Assante also appeared in Novakovic’s short film, The Fix, which played at the 2013 Bosnian-Herzegovinian Film Festival in New York. The charming festival organizers were quite taken with Assante when he attended the screening, so that’s good enough for us.

Assante is dependable as ever and so is Eric Roberts, playing against type as Messina. He seems to enjoy being the decent and loving family man for a change, but nobody makes a better drug-addled psychopath, so he should not make a habit of more wholesome roles. Regardless, he and Sean Young develop some quite agreeable chemistry together, genuinely feeling like a comfortably married couple. Federico Castelluccio also brings some real gravitas to the film as Dr. Ferramonti, but most of the rest of the cast is mostly just serviceable.

Someone must have had an amazing time scouting locations for Leaves, because it amply capitalizes on the Sicilian backdrops. At times, it is like scenery porn. Novakovic and cinematographer John Schmidt clearly have great eyes for visuals. While the narrative is a bit clunky at times, the way it echoes elements of the Fisher King legend is surprisingly compelling. It is also refreshing to see a film that casts the pharmaceutical company executives as the good guys.

Leaves is pleasant enough if not exactly exceptional, but its upcoming screening at the Temple of Segesta (which appears in the film) sounds like an amazing event. If you can attend, by all means do so. Its upcoming domestic festival screenings will seem conventionally pale in comparison. Still, it is nice to see a film that takes faith seriously, but also has considerably more polish and verve than the sort of fare typically released for the Christian market. Worth a look for those interested in Sicily and Christian Mystery, Leaves of the Tree screens tomorrow (5/17) and Wednesday (5/20) during this year’s SOHO International Film Festival.