They
dig their cults in LA. Just review the recent history: the Mansion Family, the
Source Family, the SLA, Synanon, a satellite office of the People’s Temple, and
of course, L. Ron’s Thetans. It is easy to see the cult of the Holy Storsh gaining
traction here, but that is bad news for Claire and her underwhelming boyfriend
Paul. They rented the apartment where Storsh shuffled off his mortal coil, so
they must contend with a steady stream of cult members intending to follow his
example. However, the malleable losers will adopt a policy of “if you can’t
beat them, join them” in Vivieno Caldinelli’s 7 Stages to Achieve Eternal Bliss by Passing Through the Gateway
Chosen by the Holy Storsh, which screens during the 2018 Tribeca Film Festival.
Claire
should call her dad, because she is in a cult. To put it more accurately, she
aspires to join a cult, which is sort of sad. Sadder still, her support network
entirely consists of her unemployed boyfriend Paul, who is even weaker than she
is. Initially, they are freaked out by the Storsh-heads who break into their
flat to kill themselves after performing an absurd set of rituals, but one day
Claire starts reading one of Storsh’s little red books left behind by a cultist—and
suddenly it all starts to make sense to her.
Of
course, she carries along the spineless Paul with her enthusiasm. Suddenly,
they start ushering the Storshies into the tub and even help them take their
final exit. In fact, Claire gets super enthusiastic about assisting their
suicides. However, they also have to keep the detective assigned to Storsh body-processing
at bay.
The
first fifteen minutes or so are mildly amusing, but 7 Stages Etc., Etc. never goes above, beyond, or below the
level of a sketch comedy show routine. Basically, the film plateaus at a
constantly level of one-liners and carefully calibrated bits of mildly
transgressive slapstick. A film about a suicidal death cult should never become
formulaic and repetitive, but that is what happens here. As a further source of
annoyance, Caldinelli and the producers cast a number people like Dan Harmon,
whom the entertainment media are constantly telling us how funny we find their
work, but have no appreciable following with real people, aside from a few
dozen podcast listeners.
Frankly,
Harmon is excruciatingly embarrassing as the neurotic Det. Cartwright. It is
also uncomfortable for very different reasons to watch how hard Kate Micucci
tries to make it work as Claire. On the other hand, Sam Huntington takes the intentionally
annoying character of Paul and makes him utterly nauseating. Yet, to give
credit where it is due, it is duly stipulated Taika Waititi is thoroughly and profoundly
eerie as old Storshy (seen in flashbacks).
I’m sure we are all looking forward to the day when 7 Stages plays on a triple bill with Who is Harry Kellerman and Why is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Seriously, a ridiculously long title has to be the cheapest gag possible. In this case, its fitting. Not recommended, 7 Stages screens again this Saturday (4/28), as part of this year’s Tribeca Film Festival.
